Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Please Cure Me
It's odd but it happens, I find myself sitting in my room thinking about a cure. Last night I put away my books, shut off my computer and laid in bed just thinking about my life in general. I think that I let other things fill my mind so quickly that I don't really concentrate on how much diabetes is truly effecting me emotionally. Of course I enjoy talking about why diabetes has made me a better person and express how many good things have occurred because of this disease but I will not hide the fact that there is apart of me that still does not understand.
Last night I lay under my covers and I closed my eyes. I thought about beyond six months ago. Before the diabetes, and before the symptoms. I remember going to places like Wendy's and McDonalds and enjoying a large fry with my friends, I remember drinking regular pop, although I dreaded to know the calorie count, it didn't matter that I drank it. I recall going to the movie theatre numerous times and buying not only popcorn but a bag of M&M's. I remember eating without having to give myself a needle. I remember being normal.
It hurts me. It hurts me that there are thousands of people just like me who have to wait before a meal, who have to count carbs and pass off chocolate bars. It hurts me that children everywhere have to limit their consumption of Halloween candy or check their sugar before recess while all the other children eat their Scooby-Doo snacks and run around outside. Last night I prayed for a cure. I pleaded, "Please cure me."
I realize that compared to most diabetics I have only been battling this disease for a short time. I accept diabetes but like Clinton said on the phone, it still bothers me. It seems that anytime I feel upset Clinton calls just in time. 11:00 p.m my residence phone rang and Clinton was on the other end, surprised to hear me in sniffles he listened to what I had to say. He's been through it before, listening to me and knows what to say to calm me down.
I always have fears. I fear that I will not live as long as average, I fear complications. I fear that when I eventually have a child they will have diabetes and so much more. I allow myself to take on all these fears at once and they simply cause me too much pain. I find the only way to snap myself back is to remember all the things that have happened in this short span of time, all of the things I have achieved and conquered.
It's not fair but I can work with it. Although this disease can bring me to tears as simple as a sundae can bring me to 20 mmol/L I will not let myself fear what's to come.