Monday, April 27, 2009

Back & Stronger

As everyone knows that I am back from my cruise, mighty burned but doing well! I had a lot of time to think, being away for seven days. I had so much time to just sit there and think about everything that has happened to me in the past month. Sometimes it got to me, yes I was on vacation but that doesn't mean my worries and disease didn't pack their bags either, they followed me. I had fun, tons of fun on the cruise and to each individual island, and I am glad that I was able to allow myself to live to feel like nothing has changed in my life.

The first day I was in line at the lunch buffet. Standing there, I looked at the long line of people with their trays ready filled with plates and bowls of a variety of food. The first thing that came in my mind was, "oh my god, look at all this food, what do I do" I began to panic in my head. I know this seems so strange because it's just food but just think of how much food you consume in a day. Think about the times your sitting on the couch and you think, "hmm, I'd love some chips" well I have those thoughts too but they are now going through a filter beyond running to the cupboard and grabbing a bag of Doritos. Instead I tell myself, "no Kayla, you can't eat all those chips."

So standing in front of a valley of food, I broke down. Yes, yes, I cried right in the buffet line. I was depressed, ashamed, embarrassed. I pulled down my sunglasses and just balled my eyes out, wondering how the hell was I going to cope with all this food and having diabetes. I didn't know. With a hug from a stranger in front of me, I began to think, "I'll be okay." No, I am not like everyone else, No, I'll never be exactly the same as anyone else, Yes this is hard. But I am not letting this change who I am as a person. Yes, this is a new chapter in my life, for sure. I am changing everything about the way I live, the way I choose to go about my life.

The rest of the time on since that moment I never let myself cry again. I can eat what I want, in moderation, I can try the foods of the world, eat an ice cream cone or cheesecake, these things are not impossible. Many people say that life is about eating. I know that every event, occasion, get to together, there is food. We as people are always eating.

This vacation not only gave me a burn [haha] but it gave me strength to know that, diabetes is serious but it is only a part of my life, not the whole thing. I have decided to move to London in September, to start off a new chapter by going to school to ultimately become a teacher. I know it's going to be different having to watch my sugars and give myself injections, but I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I had two lows so far since having diabetes. One low I had in Costa Maya, Mexico, I didn't notice it too much but tonight I had a low. It scared me, because all of a sudden while typing I couldn't move my fingers they were shaking, like crazy shakes. I felt my whole body suddenly shake.. I knew that something was up so I checked my blood sugar, and yes, I was low.

I am learning something new about my diabetes each day and I don't think that learning experience will ever stop. I am glad to be home and back writing to everyone!


Friday, April 17, 2009

A Personal Embellishment

I am going on VACATION for a week.

I can remember in the hospital, I was upset that I wouldn't be able to deal with this on a cruise, and the doctors kept saying, "Kayla by that time, you will be a whiz." I always thought to myself, "Ya right," But really, I am prepared, I am confident that I can do anything whether it be on a cruise, in the middle of nowhere, at a friends, where I go, Diabetes follows and I am ready for that.

I am super excited to just get away, I have packed most of my stuff, and with having all the extra stuff my luggage is massive. Let's not mention the 100 000 shirts I packed. The past two days have been a bit of a scramble, I felt sick on Wednesday, and I worked today. On Wednesday I woke up at about 4 a.m feeling super weird, it was hard to explain but it was just the weirdest feeling ever. So I thought I was having my first low, but nope, just a weird feeling, pretty normal blood sugar. Today I worked, and we were outside for most of the day, it was pretty decent.

My blood sugars have been alright, still high mostly, which is a tad annoying but I am glad that it's becoming a routine now instead of a chore.

As some of you know, I love doing scrap booking, and I pretty much scrapbook everything. So of course I decided that I was going to scrapbook my experience with diabetes, in the hospital, the walk, everything. I had already collected stickers mostly hospital stickers but I told Clinton that I wish there was a sticker of a meter! GUESS WHAT, he did in his art class he made me a meter with some material he found in his art class, it even has s sticky back so I can put it on a page. It was so adorable!


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Baking For Friends

The long weekend was pretty good. On Monday, Clinton & I just hung around and watched movies, but I had this sudden urge to bake something! I used to bake all the time, pretty much four + times a week. Cookies, cupcakes, squares, brownies, the list goes on. But after being diagnosed I put that aside and focused on what I could eat and what I needed to do in order to get on track with healthy eating. But I wanted to bake so bad, so having this urge, I decided to get out the cook books and find something that I can make.

Clinton always loves to bake with me, so together we decided on Lemon Cheesecake Cupcakes, although I wouldn't be trying one of these [ Eventually I will be able to try these things no problem, but my sugar is still high] they looked like they would be good. Apparently they were good, everyone seemed to enjoy them and even though there was no licking the bowl or picking at the cupcakes I had a lot of fun baking them with Clinton.

Other than that, I didn't do much! I was a little grumpy yesterday but I blame that on my high sugar. Today, I saw my Diabetic nurse, and she focused the session on me going away on Saturday. There will be tons of food on the ship, and she is preparing me for that. I will be on a carb to insulin ratio rather than a set unit per meal.
I am very excited to go on my cruise! Having this little add on will be interesting but it will be a good experience. First vacation with Diabetes !


Monday, April 13, 2009

Happy Easter !

There are two days in the year that I knew would be a challenge, Halloween & Easter. Now, I haven't experienced Halloween yet but Easter is here. It was a little different this year, obviously. I couldn't shove my face with chocolate as soon as I woke up, and I basically was faced with 1001 temptations but I never gave in. I got a lot of no sugar added chocolate & candies. They are pretty good, still count for my carbs but hey it's chocolate. I got to have 5 of the little chocolates for my snack on Easter and that was all the chocolate I had. I guess this is a good thing since I'll be wearing a bikini in less than a week. ah!

I went to Clinton's family event, and they were great about me being a diabetic! They were always asking questions & making sure that I was alright. For some odd reason any time people ask me about my diabetes, the conversation turns into a conversations about drug addicts but whatever, the needles make people think of junkies I guess! Anyways, for not ever meeting any of them before pretty much, they were great! Brunch there, was the first time I had to judge for myself what I should eat, since there were no labels available. It was a little hard but I tried to guess as best as I could, with Clinton's help. I had just enough that my stomach wasn't bulging like every single other belly in the room! Dessert was the hardest part, you have NO idea how hard it was for me not to eat the pie, cookies, chocolate, candies, squares or cakes. Instead I ate a Sugar Free Jello egg that Clinton's mom made for me. Which was so nice of her to do that for me.

After we came home, Clinton & I came back to my house, and we made a supper out of my Diabetic cook book. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed my Easter with him and with my diabetes.Really, if I can get through Easter with all that junk food everywhere then I can get through any day!


Saturday, April 11, 2009


It's been very busy lately! I had to work two times this week at 6:30 a.m therefore I had to get up and ready at 5:30 a.m This was a bit of a challenge because it changed my schedule a bit that I was used to. So I had to figure out the best time to eat, what snack to pack.

The first day I had to work I decided I would eat my breakfast there, but that wasn't the best idea because I was the only one watching about 4 kids and one of the kids was going crazy and kicked me in the stomach where I had just put a needle. I was trying to eat since I had given myself insulin I only had 15 minutes to start eating. So the second day I decided I'd eat before hand so that I wouldn't have this trouble again.

Besides work, I have just been basically shopping for things for my cruise. I leave on the 18
th, and I need to make sure I have everything needles, meters, etc. It would defiantly be scary to forget something.

On Good Friday, Clinton & I went to Spencer's &
Tews Falls, as well as the Peak. We ate lunch at his house before hand and he wore a backpack full of all the stuff I would need since we would be gone for about 5 hours. I was lucky that he would carry the backpack full of my stuff.

It was a lot of fun there, and I just checked my blood sugar once just to make sure it didn't go too low. All was good, and my sugar was pretty normal during that time!

Today I had a pedicure done at Alonzo's. Being a diabetic I have to make sure I take care of my feet, and I knew that some places out there are not too aware of people with Diabetes. So I got in touch with my friend Sydney and asked if Michelle would be comfortable with giving me a pedicure. It went well.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Come on Home

Monday I really spent the day thinking about what to talk about at the Meeting at NPC that I attended on Tuesday. I thought about the most important things in my life, what has changed, what I miss the most about my life before diabetes, how important it is to be aware of your disease and control it. I thought, and thought. But it wasn't like I was writing down anything, in fact it will all in my head, I just kept thinking over and over again, even when I was sleeping I think I was thinking, in the shower, at breakfast, right until I went to the meeting at 8 a.m.

I didn't get much time to say anything I planned on saying, in fact I barely said any of it. I was given pretty much ten minutes to just explain what I wanted to do. It was a little sad, in a way I felt like no one wanted to hear my story, and that my story didn't matter. It was a little discouraging in fact. In a way I went in there expecting to inspire and open opportunities. They think they can do something more along the lines of a buyout for a rugby game, but I just feel like it wasn't what I had planned. I know that my time will come when I'll be able to inspire people, I am just not sure when.

My sugar has been crazy again lately, this morning I had my lowest of all mornings [5.8] and before lunch I had one of my highest at lunch time [16.9] It's incredibly hard for me to jump from lows to highs, highs to lows. My head just beats and I feel like I am not all there, it's a scary feeling because I am unaware of what my body is going to do. Tomorrow I work at 6:30 a.m the true test of handling my schedule. I have packed a breakfast, and a snack, and I will get to come home for my lunch and I am done before supper. Just remembering all to pack is a trick. Dex 4, meters, needles, strips, extra snacks, etc. etc. The good thing about working at the daycare is that it is about 5 minutes from my house, so if I ever forgot anything, I can just come home!


Monday, April 6, 2009

Can't Fight the Facts

To tell the truth this weekend I was handed a few hits that really made me stop and think, but also I was handed with some truths and reassurance. Friday I just worked at the other daycare. It was interesting, very different from the other daycare but decent. It seems everywhere I go I am reminded that I am NOT like most people. Simple things that people don't even think about. Example; being offered a cookie, well most people wouldn't think twice before shoving their hand into a basket of cookies but obviously I can't just do that right now, and even if I was allowed too I have to think about the consequences of eating the cookie.

On Saturday I visited
Fanshawe since I will be going there in September. It was a lot of fun, and I am super excited to go to Fanshawe! Clinton asked if I wanted to go to the movies, and I also suggested going out for dinner. This would be the first time I went out for dinner since I was diagnosed and I was really excited to figure out what I could eat and just feel like it's back to normal again. The movie was good, 'I love you Man' once again I was reminded that unlike any other time I went to the movies, I couldn't have the popcorn or candy. Instead I was treated to a bottle of diet coke. I tried to ignor the people around me shoving the popcorn down their throats and throwing back m&ms down their throats and I kept saying to myself, "Hey, at least you're not gaining any weight."

After the movies, I picked Swiss Chalet to go to. We parked, my stomach was growling, and I was excited to be able to eat out. I knew that the only way right now that I could eat out was if they had their nutrition guide of their menu. Since I am not comfortable with guessing how many
carbs are in specific stuff, I need this tool. I asked for a guide, while Clinton put our name on the list. Of course the girl comes back telling me they don't have a guide, so we had to cancel and walk out, hungry.I felt horrible, not only could I not eat but neither could Clinton. As soon as we got in the car I couldn't help but cry. The realization that I can't just walk into Swiss Chalet, in fact anywhere, and sit down and eat drove me nuts. I KNOW, that eventually this will be okay, that I will be able to eat anything I want, go anywhere I please, but I am talking about now. Right now, it's hard to be the person I was for almost nineteen years because that person didn't have these restrictions. It hit me that night, I just fell absolutely apart.

I honestly try to be the strongest person I can be but sometimes I just can't fight that fact that my life is going to be different. I am going to do everything I can to make the best of my life, the best of diabetes. I want to make a difference, I want to find a cure, I want to be someone that can help and mentor those who felt the way I did that night when I just couldn't hold it in anymore.If I can't inspire myself then I won't go anywhere with this. I know that there will be times when I can't handle it, when I struggle and hurt but no matter what I am promising not only myself but everyone who cares about me, I will be inspired. I don't know if everyone believes everything happens for a reason, but I had a conversation with Clinton that made me believe. I honestly don't know what
I'd do without him. He has helped me so much, he seems to always know what to say, when and when not to say something. It's unbelievable.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

I just wanted to say for the past note, I asked my nurse about the bleeding of my stomach when I put the insulin pen in. She said that most likely I am breaking tiny blood vessels, but she said if it happens a lot to let them know. So it hasn't done it since then so I think that she was right about the blood vessels.

The days have been pretty good, they brought my supper time insulin from 5 - 6 and in three days to 7 units. For some reason that made me super tired not to mention Clinton and I went for a walk for about 45 minutes, which usually would be as simple as walking to the mailbox but now it just makes me tired. It's not that when I am walking I get tired it's more like once I get home and sit down.Besides all of that I am doing well. I am starting to get a little stressed and I don't know why. I just find that the littlest things stress me out. For example: When Clinton was trying to sign up for Team KK we did it wrong so it wouldn't let him join my team. This stressed me out so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to fix it. I shoved all my supper in my mouth just to rush to the computer to try and fix it. It stressed me out! Another thing that stresses me out is if I tell someone about something or ask someone something and they seem like they don't care or aren't really paying attention. I am blaming these emotional roller coasters on my Diabetes! It just makes me feel better!

Hopefully with time I will get used to all this new medicine being pumped into me and the whole schedule of giving myself needles, eating at certain times etc. etc. With time, I'll be back to normal but with much more inspiration and encouragement to push myself further to go beyond the dreams I have set for myself. They kept telling me, you're so strong, look at everything you're doing! I know that I have become pretty involved in the walk/raising money and I don't regret jumping into anything like that because that stuff it was keeps me happy and positive. But I am not going to lie, lately I've felt a little blah at times.

I went to work on Wednesday and got a chance to talk to the woman that I babysit her kids. She already knew about my diabetes from someone but had a few questions. I was also asked to possibly babysit her kids all summer rather than the daycare so that is what I am deciding right now. I think that babysitting them in the summer will give me more of a chance to learn how to take care of 4 kids all by myself plus deal with having diabetes.