Friday, December 15, 2017

Time

There are two times in life that you realize life moves too fast.  The times when it seems you blink your eye and the day is over, the good party wraps up, or the vacation is finished, those times.  Then, there are the times when you lose someone you love and realize that the time we get to spend with one another is much too short.

I lost someone very special to me and my while my heart feels heavy, it does feel full.   As I sit and write I think to myself....


Dear Grandpa,

If only we had more time. More time to tell your stories about the cars you drove, the places you went and the people you knew.  If only we had more time to discuss the wedding I was planning, the home I would buy and the children I want to have. If only we had more time.

But, when I think of the time that we did have, it was quite a bit and I am so thankful for that time although it seems it went by too fast. Not everyone gets to spend twenty-seven years with their grandparent, and I am thankful for that.

While our time to make memories on earth has ended, I feel you in my heart.

You live in us all now, how special is that.

Love,

Kayla

Friday, December 8, 2017

Reminder for Self Care

This time of year can be incredibly exciting and fun, but at the same time it can be very stressful.  As I get older I find myself shying away from the crowds at the mall and resorting to ordering online when I can (unless it's HomeSense, I always have time for that!)  I find myself wanting to just spend time with people and give back more then I receive because as you get older the 'stuff' turns into clutter quick and the days go by too quickly to waste spending in lines up.

This month has been incredibly stressful having both my grandparents in and out of hospital and trying to be there as much as I can, but being the only one who lives out of city, the stress of not being able to be there as much haunts me. While trying to practice self care, I find myself trying to also remind others maintain self care. I firmly believe we must be in the right space for ourselves in order to help others properly.

My blood sugars have been all over the place the past month and I can only imagine that is a direct product of the season we are in.  

When we break down this season there is high chances of: 


  • High stress
  • More goodies in the house than normal
  • More parties/social gatherings to commit to attending 
  • Financial strain
  • High anxiety situations (being around strangers, unfamiliar places etc.)
  • Lack of sunlight, weather change.
All of these things that everyone can experience, it really can throw a wrench in a person with diabetes' care. It is so incredibly important to prioritize what needs to be done and to hone in on how you are feeling.  We can easily get caught up in the season and forget the self care portion that is so important. 

Ways we can prioritize our self care: 

  • Set aside all electronics/social media
  • Create time to do something you enjoy or want (i.e pedicure, shopping, reading)
  • Take pauses in your day or try and slow down your task



Tuesday, December 5, 2017

A Mother's Story

There is a special place in my heart for those that spend countless nights awake tending to their children with type 1 diabetes.  I see the posts of those warrior Diabetes Moms or Diabetes Dads and recognize that often times this group is missed and under appreciated by health care teams, their family or their friends because it is simply hard to grasp how many hours these caregivers put in, and how many tears they shed behind closed doors.

Recently, a post by a Diabetes Mom, Kathy, really stuck with me.  She stated that, 

"I know I say this every three months but today will be the worst diabetes clinic. Her numbers have been so high over the last three months and I haven't been able to get them under control." 

I read this and thought to myself, she is taking the blame. She is taking this disease, that I know first hand does its own thing most of the time and she is placing that blame on herself. That isn't fair. I couldn't help but think about how many other caregivers are feeling this blame. I reached out this mom and decided to ask her a few questions to shed some light on what a diagnosis means for a parent of a child with diabetes. 

When Kathy's daughter was diagnosed the family felt devastation.  She thought that the doctor's made a mistake and she waited for that moment when they told her that her daughter didn't actually have diabetes and they could go home.   Kathy states that, "This moment changed everything." Kathy describes the diagnosis as feeling like a burden, and something that she did not know how to manage. 

"My daughter didn't adjust well to her 'new life.' She would have to be held down to get her blood sugar checked or to get insulin. I remember her begging us not to do this." 

Kathy remarked that it was one of the most heartbreaking thing she has ever had to experience and it really made her scared to leave the house after the diagnosis in fear of what challenges lay ahead beyond her home. Kathy also felt worry of what others would think about how she handled her daughter's diabetes, wondering if they were judging the way she handled her child's behaviour and refusal.

Kathy sees herself primarily as the manager of diabetes in her household, however she states that, 

"I am slowly training her to be my successor. I explain continually why we are doing things a certain way so that she learns as we go." 

But, in the meantime, admits that in managing her daughters' diabetes, Kathy also places a lot of blame on herself on whether or not she did enough to prevent highs, properly carb counted or should have changed insulin ratios sooner.  All thoughts that as a person with diabetes, are very familiar. It was this quote that struck me again,

"Sometimes I feel I give her too much autonomy with her diabetes. I think I just get tired. I work full time, run a household and care for two kids.....sometimes it feels like too much." 

This circled back to that first post I read from Kathy on her social media.  The feeling of blame that presses on the minds of caregivers alike.    Knowing as a person who lives with diabetes myself, that diabetes is unpredictable, and even when we think we understand diabetes, it often can throw obstacles at us.

I urge everyone to reach out to caregivers of children with diabetes and give them praise.  Buy them a coffee, ask if you can help them with anything, or simply listen to them and let them tell their story.   These caregivers are up in the night when most of us are asleep, buying juice-boxes and packing lunches while counting carbs and crossing their fingers that their child will be okay. They deserve some extra love and a big thank you for all the hard work. 


Kayla 





Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Angry at Diabetes

Last night I was angry. I was angry at diabetes and as much as I tried to fight that angry, an impeding low brought it out of me.

"It isn't fair," I said sobbing like a child between the covers in bed.

 "It isn't fair that I have to do all of this."  

For me, I like to bottle things up, but like a carbonated drink, shaken over time, I do explode with grief every now and then.  I carry a lot of the burden of those that also live with diabetes, people who I admire, people who I know are struggling and just deserve a break.  I carry that on my shoulders along with my own grief and sometimes I crumble, like any human.

Earlier in the day after driving home from clinic I had a moment of reflection in the car, thinking about what life would be like if diabetes was no longer.

 What would I do with all that extra brain storage, that right now is plagued by carb counts, blood sugar checks, numbers upon numbers? 

What would it feel like if my guilt of not doing enough went away?

How would it feel to not fear complications, or the worry that I won't live a full life?

Upon arriving home, I left those thoughts in the car and didn't think about it. Until that low, when all those feelings came rushing back and I felt as though I had no feelings at all, yet more feelings I knew what to do with. I felt empty and blank, yet explosive and angry.

I knew I wasn't sad, it wasn't a feeling of being sad. It was pure anger at something I did not ask for, something I did not cause, something that was given to me when I was eighteen that I can not return or justify getting.  I was angry.

After some reassurance from M, telling me that he understands my anger, my frustrations but that I need to be strong and keep on going.  I let my anger leave the room, as I did not want to fall asleep with that anger.  Tears, some choice words, and candy to cure my low, I let that anger free (for now) and fell asleep.

Kayla


Saturday, November 25, 2017

Note to self: Don't Forget

"I can't believe you forgot that!" 

How many times have you heard this? I don't mean forgetting your keys or your wallet, but rather, those diabetes things that we as people with diabetes are supposed to remember but time after time forget.  

I decided to compile a list of the things that I personally always forget and hopefully in turn you can let me know, that I'm not the only one!




1.  Extra Sites

You're out for the night and you're up dancing and your partner snags your site and rips it out.  Now, there is no insulin flow and you're already 10 mozzarellas sticks and 5 mixed drinks in. What do you do?   Use an extra site you've packed in your clutch .... but actually no, because you forgot to pack an extra site.


2. More Insulin 

Now you're having dinner at your in laws and you are about to sit down and enjoy the wonderful meal.  There is even delicious cake to enjoy afterwards, but guess what? As you bolus you realize you have 2 units left.  Yeah, that low reservoir warning you heard before you left your house, that was real.   Now, you have to either forgo the mashed potatoes and cake, or pay for the high blood sugar you're about to experience because you forgot to refill your reservoir.




3.  Low Supplies 

Anyone else sweating profusely? Is the ground shaking?  Are these lights exceptionally bright? No, just me? You're shopping with your friends when all of a sudden all the low symptoms come on.   Easy, take a moment to enjoy your low snack in your purse? Oh wait, you never refilled it the last time you used it.  Now you're waiting in a huge line just to buy a bottle of pop to recover from your low because you forgot your low supplies.




Kayla




Friday, November 24, 2017

Sometimes it Actually Sucks

It's not always sunshine and rainbows.

It doesn't always have a happy ending or life lesson.

"Sometimes it actually just sucks," said one of my teens at my social group.

I am guilty of adding cheerful lessons of life, sentences of thankfulness and wrapping my sometimes sad blog posts with a glittery bow of, "but, it's all okay."  But, that isn't always the case.  In fact, most of the time diabetes isn't okay.

Last night I heard loud and clear that wrapping up blog posts with a happy ending isn't always wanted nor easy to swallow.  As a blogger for over eight years, I can't help but realize I have spent most of my writing career trying to balance the literal highs and lows of diabetes while trying not to complain too much, but also be honest.

As a generally positive person, it can be hard to spill out the frustrations and leave them untangled for everyone to read. I try hard to show how grateful I am by balancing my anger with praise.  While, I won't deny those feelings, after speaking to other people with diabetes I have come to realize sometimes that may come as a disservice to those that are trying to understand diabetes, or those that have diabetes and are trying to relate to me.

Loud and clear, diabetes is hard.  Living with diabetes is incredibly frustrating and at times feels like a giant black cloud that follows our every thought.  I worry about my future with diabetes, I worry that I am not doing enough or that one day I will look back and blame myself to an unbearable degree if I get complications or diabetes prevents me from being able to do something such as have a family. I worry about the people my diabetes effects, my fiance, my future children or my own personal well-being.  I also continuously worry about what I can do to give back to the community, to alleviate the frustrations of others.

As the positive person that I am, I still struggle a lot with balancing diabetes and my life. I brush off a lot of things and play down how much diabetes gets in the way.  I am not a 'perfect' diabetic, not even close and I want all those that read my blog or speak to others with diabetes to know that we are fighting a battle every single day.

As hard as it is to not wrap this up with that glittery bow, I want to be honest and I want to be clear, that diabetes....sometimes it actually sucks.

Kayla




Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Sleepless, Restless, but Alive.

Sleeping. Just imagine a sound sleep without getting up, a sound sleep with no beeps or buzzes.  It doesn't happen as much as I wish it would, but I've learned to appreciate those nights when my blood sugar stays steady enough that I do not have to visit the bathroom, every hour, or chug water by my bedside as if I hadn't drank in weeks.  I appreciate not having to slowly and quietly unwrap candies and eat them with my eyes half open and my thoughts still unconscious.

A full sleep without disruptions of my insulin pump going off or CGM warnings.  I am fortunate enough to work from home where my start time for work depends on me and on those nights that I spent half the night tending to my diabetes, I do not have to rush to my car in the morning.  I think of the people that are barely functioning as their alarm goes off because they're surround by crushed juice boxes that they had to down in the middle of the night. 

It just isn't a great sleep having that constant worry even if your blood sugars are fine. What if I go low? Am I low right now? I hope I am not high all night. Then there is that internal battle between yourself and well, yourself to get up and check, or get up and treat your low blood sugars. Fighting between the warmth of your bed and having to tend to diabetes. 

I think about all my great new-mom friends with type 1 diabetes who are tending to their newborns and also having to tend to their diabetes, they deserve gold stars for their ability to wake up human every single day. 

However, each morning we do get up and we do go on with our days because doing both, manaing our diabetes and living out our lives is equally important to us.  Not allowing diabetes to take away all of our energy, despite feeling drained some mornings.   

We just do it, sleepless, restless, but alive.