Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A Low in the Night

Imagine you're lying in bed. You've been asleep for a couple hours and you suddenly wake up. You feel strange, but you aren't sure why. You lay there in agony thinking "what time is it?" You glance over at your phone and check the time, and huff and mumble about only have a few hours left before the alarm rings. You try to go back to sleep but, you feel hungry. You feel beyond hungry as if you could clear out a variety store in half a second. But, you try to ignore that feeling. You have been doing so well with clean eating, why destroy it now? You try to close your eyes and ignore it but, your mind begins to talk to you. "Get up, check your blood sugar. You're low." You try and ignore it and think of all the reasons why you aren't low. "I was 12 mmol/L before bed."  "I ate a snack before bed." "I'm sure it's just hunger not a low..." But, there comes a point where your mind is literally screaming at you. So, you give in. You find your glasses, pull the covers off yourself and walk down the stairs to the kitchen. The whole time thinking, "please don't eat too much. Just take what you need and go back to bed."  You reach the kitchen and realize it would be much easier to keep things closer to the bedroom but, you can't remember it all. You check and you're low. You think what you want, but, know that you're wasting precious sleep time. You grab a few things, still reminding yourself, "take what you need and go."    You stumble back upstairs disrupting your partner who is also trying to sleep before the alarm goes off. You lay there, still feeling low but, know that you've ate enough. You ate more than enough. You toss and turn and try to quiet your mind and still your body. You fall back asleep, hoping a low doesn't visit again.


Monday, August 29, 2016

It's Your Journey

Diabetes is not a race, it's a journey. I think it is incredibly easy to get caught up in numbers measuring our success as people living with diabetes. "What's your a1c?" is the dreaded question that somehow marks your capability of being able to take care of yourself.  But, that isn't what living with diabetes is about.  I got really caught up in my last a1c. I honestly felt like I let myself down but more terrifying was that I felt like I let down my community. I get that I play a large roll in the diabetes community and I have teens that rely on me as a good role model, but I felt like I was cheating them.   It wasn't until I sat down and thought about why I was beating myself up over a number that actually isn't my final score. An a1c is a blood test that gives your a snapshot of your last three months, not your future.

I threw that mentality of diabetes being a race out the window. I am not competing with people. I am proud of those that hold great titles of a1c's and that check their blood sugar without hassle and eat clean 24/7. You go girl! But, I cannot be perfect. I cannot hold myself above or below, I need to focus on the journey ahead - the journey of living with type 1 diabetes for the rest of my life.

Focusing on the day to day goals is easier than focusing on lowering my a1c, that's a given. But, incorporating focusing on my mental health, physical fitness, social status, work load, those day to day goals can get blurry and that's okay.  I am listening to my body, my thoughts and living in this moment. Diabetes will throw curve balls at me but so will anything else, that is what makes it your journey.


Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Voila, Appointment Done.

The other day I had my endocrinologist appointment. I was nervous to go with the heightened a1c, but, felt that since getting the "wake up" call a1c, my blood sugars were half decent and I was at least checking 5-6 times a day.   Regardless, going into any appointment I was weary of what they might say.

The first step was getting myself weighed and my blood pressure done. Usually I would be nervous about getting weighed because well, who likes someone weighing them? But, I knew for sure that I was down from my last visit and I had weighed myself in the A.M so I had an idea of what it would be. No shocker there.  Blood pressure was totally normal and I actually remembered not to cross my legs when I sat down to get it done - success.

Next was heading into the actual office to sit down and wait for someone to come in. Of course I got the resident (does everyone get the resident or is it just me?)  I am all for learning, and such but sometimes when I just want to get in and out of an appointment, I feel like it adds 20-25 minutes of questions and protocol that I am already very aware of. "The reason you go low when you work out is because..." Yup, I know.

Next was my actual doctor, who is super nice.  I actually do not mind seeing her, but I always fear one day she will look at my blood work or pump upload and lay down the law. But, it wasn't the day for that, she told me I was doing a great job (even though I didn't feel like I was to my own standards) and that she would just change a few minor basal rates and viola, appointment done.   Oh, and a couple samples of insulin - which for a girl with no benefits, I'm all for.

I left feeling good about the appointment, and promised myself to lower my a1c, despite the fact it was never even brought up at my appointment.  I think, what I have realized is that, when it comes down to it, with diabetes, you are your own doctor. You make a lot of the calls, adjustments, and ultimately it's your disease to manage. For sure, you have the support around you, and your doctors advice, but really we have so much power over our own medicine.


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

The Web

Last spring I did a workshop with the teen girls from my support group T1 Empowerment.  The point of the workshop was to better understand the web of who is connected to our diabetes beyond ourselves, the patient.  It was an interesting task to give the girls because a lot of them struggled to see past the immediate and realize just how many people really do make up our health care web in regards to diabetes care.

what the teens came up with
I felt this was an important workshop because a lot of times when we are managing our diabetes on a daily basis we forget who else can help us along the way. We can feel swamped with numbers and emotions and forget that we can also reach out.  Not only do these people make impact on us, but we also make impact on them.

I am lucky, I have resources, while I understand very much so, that many do not have such a glamorous web to show.  I tried to in-still that in the minds of the teens who do at times struggle to keep afloat with a disease that does demand a lot from them.  

The funny thing, was that these teens almost saw these ties as an annoyance, and I totally get that. There are times that I do not want my friends telling me how to take care of my diabetes, despite their best interest, or times that I do not want my endo or nurse judging the way I have been taking care of my diabetes, but the important thing to take, is that no one in this web, is out to get you, but rather to walk the journey with you. 

This web is ever changing, growing, shrinking and that is okay. The important thing is that we recognize who is in the web and remind ourselves that they are there for us. 


Monday, August 22, 2016

Why I Quit Diet Pop

Over a year ago I quit drinking diet pop. For most people living with diabetes diet pop is a dietary staple. It's one thing we can enjoy without having to carb count, and bolus for. It's a treat without consequence, but is it really? I don't know. 

Before I had diabetes I drank a fair share of diet pop (specifically Diet Coke) I loved it and as years went by and (I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes along the way) my love for it grew stronger when I realized literally every other drink besides water would spike my blood sugar. All my friends and family knew that Diet Coke was my vice. People would tag me in memes, buy me Diet Coke and even would purchase me novelty Diet Coke things like Christmas ornaments. It somehow became my identity like a cat to cat lady - I was hooked. 

 But over a year ago I noticed something. I noticed that when I drank Diet Coke things started happening to my body that were not normal.  Hives covering my entire body, swollen lips, joints and eyes and pain to those joints as well. It was awful and I went on for years with these symptoms on and off with little to no idea what was causing it. 

I haven't had any formal testing done BUT I can tell you that once I stopped drinking Diet Coke (cold turkey) it stopped almost immediately. Trust me, I had hives everywhere and they were far from minor - they made me hate my body to the point I didn't want to go out and feared eating the wrong "mystery" thing to make them worse.  There were times I could not go out because of a giant swollen lip - although my friends encouraged me that it just looked like extreme collagen injections. Not cute. 

I had to say goodbye to the beloved silver can and break up with something I was almost depending on. Bad day, Diet Coke. Hot day, Diet Coke. Celebration day, Diet Coke.  Now a year later I'm proud of myself that I have not touched diet pop, I'm even more excited that I haven't had any joint pain, swelling or hives.  As a person living with type 1 diabetes and being "allergic" to diet pop I'm sure my fellow diabetics can sympathize.  

Regardless it leaves me with questions about what we consume and the overall consequences of those health choices we make. I'm not shaming anyone who enjoys Diet Coke, because if it wasn't for the relief of my symptoms, I'd likely be drinking a can right now. 


Friday, August 19, 2016

Travel Alone

I think travelling alone at least once should be on everyones bucket list. I have been fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to travel alone a few times, often because of diabetes conferences.   While travelling alone can seem daunting to some, I think it's important to do at least once (or more!) and here is why:

1. You learn more about yourself and your capabilities 

Trust me when I say that when I was younger I did not want to leave my mother's side [Ask Mom!] I was constantly checking to see where she was and I am pretty sure she was about ready to seek me some professional help if I didn't grow out of my attachment issues.  Obviously, I have and [phew!] but my mom always notes how crazy it is that I went from her shadow to the globe-trotter I am now. When you are on your own and especially in a foreign place, you learn what you're comfortable doing and most importantly how far you're able to push out of your comfort zone.  It's all up to you, there is no one pushing you to take the scenic route, zip line alone though the rain forest, or take a sketchy train through Compton, that's your choice and when you choose to do something with your full power, it gives you a better understanding of yourself and your capabilities.

2. You have no other choice but to hang out with yourself or make new friends 

San Diego 2016
We all know that when we travel with friends and family we tend to hang around friends and family 24/7 during the trip, maybe not all as a group but rarely do we break off and do our own thing for a long period of time. When you travel alone you're kind of forced to either sit alone or make new friends.   Personally, I tend to sit alone, and take the time to really connect with myself - meaning that I give myself time to write, take in the scenery, tour around the city I am in or really listen to what I need. You will find you're chatting to more people around you, the waitress, the bar tender, the lady lounging by the pool,  you make friends along the way, even if only for a short period.

3. You grow up a little 

I am 26, so clearly, I've over the whole "when I grow up" but travelling keeps you humble and encourages growth and education.   I believe regardless if you're travelling alone or travelling with a friend/family member you grow and learn, but there is something different about travelling alone. Having experienced both, quite a few times, each time I come back from a trip alone, I feel like I have a better grip of reality, something that comes only from exploring alone.

Hopefully you add 'travel alone' to your bucket-list after reading this.  Of course I understand people's concerns with travelling alone - in particular safety. I have put myself in some-what [could have been] dangerous situations travelling alone, so that is a real fear, but at the same time, living in fear can be incredibly limiting.  I choose to fear less but be aware of my surroundings and learn from my mistakes [i.e don't walk around at night alone, know where you're going and your surroundings and have access to a cell phone etc.]

Would love to hear from others who have travelled alone before!


Thursday, August 18, 2016

Beeps & Buzzes

There is a lot of alarms, beeps and vibrations that come with diabetes.   If you are totally decked out with a new-ish meter, an insulin pump, and a CGM of some sort, then you really know a lot about beeps, alarms and vibrations.  I actually have turned off a lot of the 'sounds' and switched it to vibrate because I was getting really irritated by the sounds, of course if I am home-alone then the noise alerts (especially with CGM) are important, but for the most part the 'beeps' of diabetes drive me crazy.  

These machines, while incredibly helpful, can really be like walking around with a broken alarm clock. Usually my meter is buzzing to let me know I am high or low, or have inserted a strip, my pump is buzzing to let me know the same information, or bad news like 'low reservoir' 'low bat' or 'no delivery' and my CGM is sending more buzzing signals to my insulin pump to let me know what is happening with my blood sugar in the moment.  All kinds of buzzing.

For the most part you get used to it and you find what works for you. Some prefer to have the sound alert, while others prefer the vibrations.  Sometimes it's a matter of what will grab your attention in case of an emergency and not necessarily what you prefer and that makes sense.   Annoying or not, it comes with the choice of using the technology - so I'll take it.


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

One Intention

I am all for being positive, sending out positive vibes and surrounding myself with positive people but this isn't always an easy mentality to keep. We often are faced with obstacles that limit us and make it incredibly hard to see the good in the day, or the people around us. We get bombarded with negativity and finding the positive light is often fogged.

I find diabetes has a way of being that negative block in a positive day. When I wake up I have to check my blood sugar and that can really play a huge role in how I feel. If it's a great number, I often feel more motivated to get up, and continue to check my blood sugar throughout the day but if it is a higher number I feel tired, and less motivated to really take care of my diabetes in the way that I should. That morning number can really alter your mood, just like weighing yourself can have the same effect.

I think the key is to take the time to set an intention for each day. Diabetes takes a lot of brain power and effort and if we wake up and do not like our blood sugar we are more likely to feel that sense of loss of control. Instead of letting numbers (whether that is blood sugar, weight, whatever fits your situation) if we focus on one intention for the day and really put effort into that regardless of the outcome - we may have a better chance of staying focused and positive and in turn send out positive vibes to others and eventually surround ourselves with positive people.

An intention could be something simple like, "Today I will check my blood sugar four times" or something more mindful like, "Today I will think one positive thought after each negative thought that comes to mind" There is no right or wrong intention, as long as you feel like it will help you focused, and add positivity to your day. I am a big fan of taking one day at a time. For me, it's a way to keep my focus strong and also to not get anxious about the future. 


Monday, August 15, 2016


On August 11th, BD invited 14 individuals who represented a portion of the diabetes online community [DOC] to their Thought Leaders event. Some familiar faces and organizations were in attendance including Children with Diabetes, and a home-grown organization, Connected in Motion - an organization that played a significant role in my diabetes life.  There were also bloggers present including Karen Graffeo from Bitter-Sweet and  Scott Johnson from Scott's Diabetes.  Others included:

The Sugar Free Shawn Show
IronLady Anne 
My Diabetic Heart
ComedianChelcie Rice 
Close Concerns 

and of course myself, representing Kayla's Life Notes.

We were flown to beautiful San Diego, California to learn more about BD and their involvement in the diabetes realm of healthcare and beyond (way beyond) but most importantly we had the opportunity to show BD who we were as individuals living with diabetes as well as our roles in the DOC.  BD wanted to know what we wanted as patients and that was key. What that said to me was that diabetes products aren't only created with the key purpose of administrating insulin, or checking blood sugar but also to make living with diabetes easier and more comfortable.

Clearly very excited to be here! 

I was surprised to learn that BD had been around for so long. In 1924 BD made the first syringe specifically for injecting insulin which began their journey into diabetes care. How remarkable to have been there since the beginning only shortly after Sir Frederick Banting discovered insulin in London, Ontario.  Beyond the products BD also has a lot of amazing resources for those living with diabetes as well as for health care practitioners including the FITTER and Diabetes Innovations US/Canada website.

Heather (Connected in Motion) + Myself
Long time friends both living with t1d

I love to see a company interact with those that are living with type 1 diabetes and especially when they are also looking to create products to give us living with diabetes, more options.  Everyone with diabetes prefers something different, it's not a one size fit all type thing and BD gets that.  With their soon-to-be released infusion set, BD FlowSmart Technology  [available in the US and France first, then shortly after Canada] BD will be a part of the pumping game and I think that's awesome.

BD MiniMed Pro Set Infusion Sets
Group Photo
Source: Diabetes Innovations US 

Disclaimer: BD paid for my flights, travel, two nights accommodation, and meals.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Community Is Important

I think our community is ever changing and is made up of many different sub groups.  There is something about finding our community and knowing exactly what that is, that makes life seem just that much more reassuring.  Whether that is our physical community, our neighbours, the post lady, our grocery store clerks, or our employers or employees, manager or co-workers.  Life is about connecting and creating that net where you are familiar with where to go and/or who to lean on.

Of course there are moments when your community starts to pull away, or you move and have to restart and this can be hard.  Losing a sense of community is difficult and for those that feel they have no community tend to fall between the cracks.   I recently read an article from www.tinybuddah.com written by Jen Waak, that outlined the importance of having community.  She actually is recounting the climb up Mount Kilimanjaro which is something I am familiar with! The six reasons highlighted in this article are: collective wisdom, pushing our limits, support and belief, new ideas, borrowed motivation, and accountability.  I feel like all of these can be applied to any type of community.

 Of course some communities are not face-to-face and a perfect example is the online community. Whether that's your Facebook friends you never see but always keep in touch with or in my case, the diabetes online community (DOC) that is made of an abundance of people just like myself living with diabetes all over the world.   I can apply the reasons community is important to how I feel towards the diabetes online community and here is why:

Collective Wisdom: 

When you're diagnosed with diabetes, you come without any knowledge. Unless someone in your family has diabetes and you've been exposed to it, most do not know much about diabetes upon diagnosis.  I thought I knew some things about diabetes, but it was all in relation to my grandparents (the one pill a day, check blood sugar every Wednesday type of diabetics) but really I didn't know much.      It takes wisdom of group (community) to help understand diabetes.  My first guide was my Uncle Bill who lived with type 1 diabetes, and then my community grew, my doctors, my nurses, my new friends with diabetes. All of their collective wisdom helped me and in turn now I have gained some wisdom to put forth in my community both offline and online.

Pushing Our Limits: 

Diabetes is hard. There are days that I feel like I do not want any part of diabetes and I give about 10% of my effort, other days I am on top of things giving at least 80%.  It's hard to deal with diabetes 24/7 (for the rest of your life) and be alone. We need community to lift is up and push our limits when we thought we have reached an end.  There are days that I get very upset about having diabetes and I need my community to remind me that this isn't the end, and give me that push that I need to get through the next 24 hours.

Support and Belief: 

This is huge. Anytime I talk to someone struggling with their diabetes, I ensure them that there is an online community that is waiting with open arms. Whether you be the person with diabetes or a parent, there are so many groups on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter etc.  Trying to manage diabetes without community is difficult.  Having the belief that you're not alone (and you're not) and combining that with the online diabetes community - that's huge.   Even if you don't want to participate in chats, I believe even being apart of it, reading others messages of frustration and triumphs can change your outlook.

New Ideas:

I don't know about anyone else but when I am in a different space, such as a library, a local coffee shop or even a bench at the park, I have the most clear view of what I want and also new ideas.   I get the ideas from the community around me and feel like I can really take on any project I have in mind.  The ideas come from the atmosphere in which I am given an opportunity to be apart of.  With diabetes, anytime I go to a conference, seminar or event with others that have diabetes, I feel the new ideas buzzing. While being online may not give you a fresh space to work with, being apart of different online communities may. But also, I encourage people to step out and find offline diabetes communities if possible.  A good place to look is Connected in Motion or any local diabetes camps if you're within the age range.

Borrowed Motivation: 

There has been so many times that I felt enraged by my diabetes, but simply going on Instagram or Facebook and seeing others that are in the same boat as me, has given me borrowed motivation to keep going. My diabetes community is always there to motivate me, and reassuring me I am not alone.


Part of my blog is about broadcasting my accountability. I was honest about an awful a1c and the reason is that, I am accountable for my diabetes. I know that being honest and being a genuine person in the diabetes community is incredibly important. If I told you I always check ten times a day, my a1c has never been over 5.5% and I have no idea what it feels like to have diabetes burn out - I'd be lying and I am sure most of you would see right through that.  Being accountable for your actions is a duty to your community and in return we can only hope for the same.

While I think this is a long winded post, I do think it is important. It backs my reasoning behind starting T1 Empowerment two years ago. Community is important, online or offline.

Young Leaders [all living with diabetes] during the IDF Conference in Vancouver, BC in November 2015 

Some good online diabetes communities [Facebook] to be apart of are:

Type 1 Diabetes Memes  (Naturally)

Beyond Type 1 




Sunday, August 7, 2016

Eye Appointment, Check.

This past Friday my dreaded optometry appointment had arrived. I was neglecting to book an eye exam because the fear of bad news. I mean, with having a higher a1c this past year, I felt like I was doomed for bad news.  But, reminding myself that prevention is a much better option, I carried on and called them to schedule me in.

It had been 1.5 years since I was there, which isn't awful but speaks to my hesitation. Upon arrival I was taken into the one room to get that terrifying exam where they shoot little spurts of air into your eyes. I think that's step one of my fear of going to the eye doctor, the air guns straight into the eyes.  She did a few other tests in there and asked me about my use of contacts and glasses as well as any medication, in which I let her know, I am still on insulin.

Then I was taken to my eye doctor's examination room and I sat down in the crazy chair full of instruments and braced myself for any kind of news.  We went through so many tests, like an abundance of tests.  The first test was the classic, 'read me the lowest line' and me, trying to overachieve, always went for the very smallest one, a e o? no g? wait, q?  and he would ask me to try another line.  Good try, but you suck.  [He wouldn't actually say that]

Biggest Pupils 
We moved on to a colour blind test which I thought I failed. He was going through the cards at rapid fire and I felt the pressure, then I got stuck on one, which I believe was a curvy 6, then immediately I thought, I am colour blind. My whole life I have been mixing up greens and browns. But, he never mentioned it, so I assume I can see all colours.  The second test involved math, which always gets me nervous, he held each hand in my peripheral vision and held fingers up that I had to add up. Simple math, but when you're already nervous, this is nerve wracking.  

Then followed other tests like seeing double and picking which one looked best, trying different lenses with those big goofy glasses.    Then came a few different eye drops, in which each time I asked, are these that bad ones? It wasn't until the last time that the dreaded pupil dilator ones came out.  My eyes burned right away and he sent me into the waiting area to wait 15 minutes until they began working their magic.  I was trying to text my friend but slowly my vision was getting worse and I gave up and watched the T.V in the distance that flashed facts about eye health. 

The word 'DIABETIC RETINOPATHY" flashed in big bold letter followed by "GLAUCOMA" and other eye diseases and I started to panic. Anytime I saw the word "diabetes" or "diabetic" I always assumed it was a message to me.  I ignored it and waited until the 15 minutes had passed to go in for my last few exams which involved a lot of bright lights and pulling at the eye.

Thankfully after all of this the only conclusion was that my left eye was slightly weaker than the right and could use .25 more on the prescription.  The other news was that I have a slight astigmatism but nothing that needs correcting and can come from rubbing the eyes - nothing diabetes related.   Lastly, I do have a couple scars on my eyes that were there at my last appointment 1.5 years ago and that was caused by wearing monthly contacts.  I already knew about this and immediately had changed from monthly contacts to daily contacts to avoid any further damage.   My eye doctor told me that that simple change can reduce the chance of eye damage 10 fold.  

There was no signs of any issues in my eyes and what a relief that was. I let him know about my hesitation to come and my fear of bad news but he insisted that prevention is key, and that with today's knowledge and technology, a lot of eye issues can be addressed and prevented.  

I left my appointment looking like those big eyed Beanie Boos and felt ecstatic that my dreaded appointment turned out to be good and also a reminder that prevention is key. For anyone that is hesitant about going to an appointment remember that it just takes courage to get here and whether or not you get good news or bad, you have given yourself an opportunity to get better, get needed help/services and most of all prevent things from getting worse.


Friday, August 5, 2016


People with diabetes can be moody.  I find that my moodiness can be so awful l that I almost disassociate with myself at that point. It's not moodiness because I am upset about having diabetes, it's a moodiness that is connected to my blood sugars, the crazier the blood sugar - high or low, the more likely I am to completely disconnect.

This doesn't mean that I will scream at the neighbour walking his dog, or that I will get agitated with the cashier and speak my mind -  it's just not something I would ever do [knowing that there likely is people that would] I am more of a 'let me be, and we will all be fine' type of person.  The people who are the closest to me, i.e M, my parents or sibling get the raw moodiness.

When my blood sugar is really high or low, or is plummeting, my emotions get the best of me. The worst is if  I am constantly high for too long or constantly low for too long, then there is no telling when or how long I will burst into tears, sobbing.  I remember at the first Young Leaders Programme in 2013, there was a day that my blood sugars had sky-rocketed for the better half of the day, mix in a crazy time zone change [Australia] sitting in a room for 12 hours, and bam, tears.  I had to leave and go back to my room to re-group, not only to get my blood sugars down but to also calm myself down.  High blood sugars feel awful.

Really the only way to cope is to try to get your blood sugars back up or down and I find being in silence helps. While I admire the people who want to make sure that I am O.K, it only makes me more agitated. I know that I am not the only one because I have been with other type 1's when I saw their switch flip, the face of frustration, annoyance and disconnectedness.

My advice for anyone who sometimes feels the way I do is to:

+ create a space for yourself to calm down, whether that is your room or front porch etc.

+ make sure you reassure the people you love that you're O.K but just need some space

+ make sure you know what you're dealing with - checking often and doing what needs to be done such as insulin, drink water, eat etc.

+ remember that this mood is only temporary and does not reflect you as a person


Thursday, August 4, 2016

Today Do Your Best

Losing weight is hard. Losing weight with diabetes is harder.  

I have always struggled with my weight  for as long as I can remember.  Even when my weight was my 'ideal' weight I struggled at accepting it as it was. Long before diabetes, I stressed about my weight.  In elementary school and early high school years I can remember being teased about my weight by a few people  [a note to all those kids/teens that are being bullied - the bullies don't usually amount to much more than what they were as kids]

This stuck with me, and unfortunately, I am my own bully now.  I have lost weight, gained weight, lost weight and gained weight. The best shape I was ever in was pre Kilimanjaro when I was walking around London like Forrest Gump.   I loved walking and really had some great triumphs on my own and with my walking partners, especially Julie P. who would never turn down a walk, rain or shine.  But, walking for 30 km plus a day isn't practical.

I of course eventually gained the weight back that I had lost while training and from there it went up and down and all around.  Obviously this was devastating.  I felt like I was at my prime then (despite still being unhappy and wanting to lose more weight) and then all of a sudden I was seeing numbers on the scale that terrified me and made my hate myself.  I get it, hate is a big word, but I literally hated myself.

I blamed myself and I blamed diabetes and while not all blame can be put on diabetes, I do know that it really is hard and that I should give myself more credit for trying regardless of what the scale says. Body image and diabetes isn't a new topic, it is a real thing that people fight with daily and some even in more extreme ways [eating disorders and diabetes]  While, I haven't pushed myself into anything extreme, my mind is always trying to stay above water when dealing with weight loss and diabetes and even more difficult maintenance. Oh, maintenance.

At the end of December, after Christmas [oh the amount of food we consume on holidays] I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to ignore the scale. I was going to step on it, be shocked, get over it and work on bettering myself.  So, that is exactly what I did.  I started December 29th and have stuck to it.  At first I really limited my calories but found that I felt stressed about it, and instead focused more on what I was putting in my body.  I kept a food journal on and off, but mainly on and I credit that hugely to my success, very slow success.

I honestly feel like I have been giving it my all, and in saying that, not restricting life, but not overindulging on it either.  I want maintenance more than anything. Diabetes is tricky though, it likes you to eat food at midnight, it likes you to overindulge and it really likes to mess with your metabolism. Keeping steady blood sugars is key in weight loss, but that is NOT easy, even when you're trying really, really hard.

But, each day I remind myself, "today you do your best" and I try. I try everyday to do my best and if I go low and eat a marshmallow, I go low and eat 10 marshmallows and that is okay.  If I go out with a group of friends and I want to enjoy a cider, I go out and enjoy a cider and that is okay.  I listen to my body but also remind it that we don't need to eat when we are not hungry, we don't need to stress when things aren't going perfectly and most of all remind myself that I am doing okay.