Thursday, August 4, 2016

Today Do Your Best

Losing weight is hard. Losing weight with diabetes is harder.  

I have always struggled with my weight  for as long as I can remember.  Even when my weight was my 'ideal' weight I struggled at accepting it as it was. Long before diabetes, I stressed about my weight.  In elementary school and early high school years I can remember being teased about my weight by a few people  [a note to all those kids/teens that are being bullied - the bullies don't usually amount to much more than what they were as kids]

This stuck with me, and unfortunately, I am my own bully now.  I have lost weight, gained weight, lost weight and gained weight. The best shape I was ever in was pre Kilimanjaro when I was walking around London like Forrest Gump.   I loved walking and really had some great triumphs on my own and with my walking partners, especially Julie P. who would never turn down a walk, rain or shine.  But, walking for 30 km plus a day isn't practical.

I of course eventually gained the weight back that I had lost while training and from there it went up and down and all around.  Obviously this was devastating.  I felt like I was at my prime then (despite still being unhappy and wanting to lose more weight) and then all of a sudden I was seeing numbers on the scale that terrified me and made my hate myself.  I get it, hate is a big word, but I literally hated myself.

I blamed myself and I blamed diabetes and while not all blame can be put on diabetes, I do know that it really is hard and that I should give myself more credit for trying regardless of what the scale says. Body image and diabetes isn't a new topic, it is a real thing that people fight with daily and some even in more extreme ways [eating disorders and diabetes]  While, I haven't pushed myself into anything extreme, my mind is always trying to stay above water when dealing with weight loss and diabetes and even more difficult maintenance. Oh, maintenance.

At the end of December, after Christmas [oh the amount of food we consume on holidays] I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to ignore the scale. I was going to step on it, be shocked, get over it and work on bettering myself.  So, that is exactly what I did.  I started December 29th and have stuck to it.  At first I really limited my calories but found that I felt stressed about it, and instead focused more on what I was putting in my body.  I kept a food journal on and off, but mainly on and I credit that hugely to my success, very slow success.

I honestly feel like I have been giving it my all, and in saying that, not restricting life, but not overindulging on it either.  I want maintenance more than anything. Diabetes is tricky though, it likes you to eat food at midnight, it likes you to overindulge and it really likes to mess with your metabolism. Keeping steady blood sugars is key in weight loss, but that is NOT easy, even when you're trying really, really hard.

But, each day I remind myself, "today you do your best" and I try. I try everyday to do my best and if I go low and eat a marshmallow, I go low and eat 10 marshmallows and that is okay.  If I go out with a group of friends and I want to enjoy a cider, I go out and enjoy a cider and that is okay.  I listen to my body but also remind it that we don't need to eat when we are not hungry, we don't need to stress when things aren't going perfectly and most of all remind myself that I am doing okay.


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