Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Future

Often times we think about our future in aspect of what career we will have, who we will marry or what city we will settle in. However, as a person living with a lifetime disease thinking about the future can be a little bit of a different thought process.  As much as we can be healthy by eating well, checking our blood sugars and giving ourselves insulin at times we can find ourselves wondering things like how long we will live for? will we have any complications? or can we have children?

All of these thoughts seem to be thoughts of an older person.  Someone who is maybe just finishing college perhaps, but after talking to a mother of a five year old diabetic girl I began to realize something - these future questions don't appear in our twenties they are in us as early as five, at least. This mom had explained to me that she showed a picture of her friend when she was younger to her daughter and told her that she also had type 1 diabetes. Instead of feelings of hope - her daughter replied back to her, "is she dead now?"

The mother of the diabetic told me how heart broken she was when her daughter replied with that.  I am sure she did not expect to hear anything like that come from her five year old's mouth. But that's what happened and we cannot deny the things that we say or think.  To be honest, this broke my heart as well. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to hear those words come from a child and mostly because it appears that she feels as if having diabetes is something with bad consequences.  It's hard to think that that is what type 1 children are even thinking about.

It's hard to know what individually our futures hold.  As much as I try to live in the present I find myself on many occasions drifting to thoughts about my future - but luckily not truly thinking about my life span. It's with great hope that we see a cure in our future, but until then day by day we have to keep physically, mentally and emotionally strong.


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

In Check

Did you ever notice how diabetes likes to stick its face into everything you do? For instance when you want to focus in class it wants you to be high... or when you're ready to go to the gym it wants you to be low.  It seems that even when you try your hardest to keep diabetes in check, he seems to come up at all the wrong places.  Give me a high blood sugar when I am just sitting here doing nothing or give me a low when I am also, just sitting here doing nothing.. not when I am writing an exam or in the midst of a yoga class.

Of course, that is the lifestyle of a diabetic.  Having to be prepared when you aren't prepared.  Today, not sure if it was because of the unusual warm weather - but my blood sugars were kind of all over the place.  Thankfully and I am going to pat myself on the back, I haven't had a blood sugar (that I caught in the act) over 13 (234)  in the last three weeks; until today of course - when a nice 18 (324) flashed in front of my eyes.  I partly blame the weather, but I also blame these pitas I bought and funny enough I bought the pitas because I wasn't eating enough carbs and now they're causing highs.

I was in class when this happened and it was a three hour class and I couldn't seem to maintain a good focus because of it.  I corrected throughout class making it drop within the three hours but only to 14 (252) and then an hour after getting home a nice 3.3 (59) was displayed on my meter.  I had just made dinner at this time as well - broccoli soup and let me tell you, eating soup while low is a sight to see.  I ended up kind of eating those little mini boxes of smarties while eating soup and strawberries - it makes sense when you're low.

Now I was facing a new problem, I wanted to go to the gym after dinner...if you can call that dinner.  I was having a hard time getting my blood sugar to be stable enough to even drive to the gym let alone get on a treadmill and start running.   I was getting so frustrated that I threw my pump on the ground (after I disconnected) and had an apple, peanut butter and a glass of milk.  After that, I was good to go with a blood sugar of 6.3 (113) pre workout and when I got home I had a nice 5.6 (100). Mind you, I kept my pump off the entire time to be safe and also kept sugar tabs and my meter with me during my workout.

Ironically, I ran into a diabetes educator at the gym alongside a pharmaceutical rep for Accu-chek.  I sort of let them in on my frustrations, feeling compelled to tell them why I wasn't wearing my insulin pump!


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Pep Talk

I watched this viral video earlier this morning called, "Kid President - Pep Talk" (maybe watch it and then continue to read!) and there was something about it that really got to me.  I mean, of course that is the purpose of it.  However, this video inspired me to keep doing what I am doing and beyond.  I mean, like he says, about stop being boring - that's exactly it.  It's easy to be boring, so easy to do things that are uneventful - but it's not because we live boring lives it is because we are creating our days based on the fact we have no motivation to do anything better.

I have had mornings where I just wanted to lay in bed and not because I was tired or didn't want to face the cold air hoovering outside my blanket, but because I was lacking motivation and the inspiration to do anything. To wake up in the morning full throttle, full of happiness, encouragement and inspiring thoughts is hard!  It's hard to imagine that a simple day much like you had the day before is going to be any different.  But, it's us who makes it different and those people in our lives that help us move along.

After watching this, I got ready for class, walked to class (despite it being rainy and miserable outside) and sat inside the classroom eager to see what today had to bring and what I could do to get everything I could out of the day.  Now, it's only three in the afternoon, but I feel as though the impact of that video has already made me feel happier about my pursuits as well as encouraged me to keep doing what I am doing.

So, hopefully you watched the video and if not watch it now!

I hope it gives you what it gave me.


Monday, January 28, 2013

Something About It

There is something about sitting around talking to a type 1 diabetic that makes life seem a little easier.  I mean, I love talking to all kinds of people - but when you get the opportunity to sit down with another type 1...   This afternoon I met with two of my club members, one being a type 2 diabetic the other a type 1.  Of course, we were there to talk about the club and considering it is a diabetes club we were bound to start talking about diabetes on a personal level.

Now, thankfully I have been given (like a gift!) tons and tons of type 1 diabetic friends thus far in my life. So when ever I need some type 1 time, I am never come short.  However, I feel like I don't too often reach out to meet them as much as I wish I did, so when the time comes I am grateful.  There is just something about being able to say, ' I am  having such a hard time keeping blood sugars up and eat healthy...' and then a reply of, ' I know exactly what you're talking about '  then you think to yourself ' I am not alone! '

Of course we know we aren't alone we can log into Facebook and prove 100x over that we're not alone - however it's the moments when you're face to face talking to another type 1 diabetic that you truly feel like you're understood.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Deep Thoughts

It's easy to fall into that deep place. A place where everything you wrote off as normal becomes abnormal.  Things like diabetes (of course...) because the thing is, diabetes is not a normal lifestyle, yet thousands upon thousands of us live that life forgetting about how our routines are so strange - life as a diabetic is strange. In those deep thought processes we find ourselves thinking about how odd it is that we have an insulin pump dangling between our legs at times, smacking into door handles and getting ripped out etc. We think about how annoying it is to have to see our own blood multiple times of the day and how seeing blood strip tests in places like the lint tramp is actually strange.
It's hard to escape from that place because even though in reality living life as a diabetic (not that it's a lifestyle choice...) is strange, we have to convince ourselves that it is normal, okay, and manageable because that attitude is what has kept us alive thus far.  Now, usually I write about this stuff when I am in the moment, and I am not totally having a moment like this at the moment, but I did watch a movie tonight that made me really think deep. 

The movie is called, Life of Pi and it was one of those movies that leaves you wanting to think more, know more and be more. That's exactly how I am feeling right now and as I pondered about it for a couple hours after watching it, I knew that I had to write something.  So, I started off with that blurb about going into your deep place with diabetes - and I know that we all have them because I read about it online all the time and I personally experience it every now and then.  But, when we revive ourselves from that slump it shows how powerful our mind can be and our strong we are.

I won't go into detail about what the movie was about, but I would highly suggest everyone to watch it and even better read the book (something I want to do soon!)  But, beyond that, the movie seems to have had an impact on me - thinking about how powerful we can make ourselves up to be and in turn express that with confidence by not doubting what we are doing.  Wearing our insulin pumps like it is a part of our body, checking our blood sugar like it is breathing in oxygen and not giving up because it's our life.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Own Hands

When I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes I was heading to college a few months later in a different city from where I grew up. In fact I was heading to a city where I knew no one, not a family.  I feel like the moment I was diagnosed I didn't even question the fact that I was already accepted to go to college in the fall, I don't ever remember saying to my parents, "I don't know if I can do this..." which is a good thing.  I obviously knew that I had this disease in my back pocket...(now literally in my back pocket.) But, it makes me wonder if that is why I took diabetes in my own hands from day one.  I mean, my mom picked me up from the hospital after a nice few day stay, and we did go to the pharmacy together and pick up what felt like a suit case of supplies together and we also went to the grocery store for what felt like two hours checking the backs of boxes seeing how many carbs things had.  But, after that it wasn't long before I was doing it on my own.

It's really interesting to me when I read mom/dad bloggers who talk about taking care of their diabetic children.  I read a lot about no sleep, late nights, middle of the night blood sugar checks, birthday parties, gym classes, bad teachers, the list goes on.   It's interesting because my diabetes life was never like this.  My parents had it easy not having to check my blood sugars for me or make sure I was on top of things - really the only thing my parents had to worry about was that I remembered my supplies (and that one occasion when my mom had to drive to London to bring me long lasting insulin...)  Other than that, I have been the independent in this diabetes-Kayla relationship.

I don't know what it is like to raise a child with type 1 diabetes, and from what I have read or heard - I would say that it is a job that takes a lot of courage and strength. However, for the parents that are doing such a great job raising their type 1 children, I want to say that I know your child can achieve whatever their heart sets on and even though as a parent you may be scared to send them away to college, but from my personal experience diabetes will be the last thing to hold them back.


Friday, January 25, 2013

Up Hill

Yesterday in Poetics we read a poem called Up-Hill by Christina Rossetti.  To be honest, I am not that great at picking apart poems and finding hidden meanings.  I often find myself drawings things from it that are more of that obvious content then anything else.   However, poetry is something that can be whatever you make it I suppose and after reading one of our readings, Up- Hill yesterday I instantly connected the first stanza to diabetes. 

"Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
   Yes, to the very end.
Will the day’s journey take the whole long day?
   From morn to night, my friend." 

I took from this that diabetes is an up hill battle. Not only up hill, but twisting and turning and a battle that the end isn’t something that you can see. It’s a disease that is unpredictable and hard to manage at times.  Troublesome for those that are trying to accomplish goals whether that be a fitness goal or something like trying to have a baby.

I also related this to diabetes because it does take the whole day plus more. Diabetes is time consuming and takes patience, yet the goals we aim for seem endless even when we start reaching them. Feeling the reward can also be difficult even when you know you’ve done everything you can.

This poem that was discussed in class was more about the relationship to God and getting into Heaven.  But, I saw something much different – my own personal inspiration that, yes, the road is up hill, long, winding and tiresome, but don’t give up.

To read the full poem visit: Up-Hill by Christina Rossetti


Wednesday, January 23, 2013


As diabetic we get used to our own routine.  Checking blood sugars, adjusting our pumps, treating lows - all come natural to us.   However, to those that are around us, we can be quite the entertainment.  I don't think people mean to stare - they're just curious.  Being curious is good, it opens up conversation if they're willing to ask.   Not too often do I get people asking questions without me initiating - but the other day in class I checked my blood sugar in class, tucked it back in my backpack and kept on taking notes.  When we had our first break the girl sitting beside me said, "does it hurt?"  and at first I had no idea what she was talking about, then she pointed to my fingers..."does it hurt to do that?"  and I looked at her and said, "Nope, I have gotten pretty used to it!"  she just smiled at me.

I guess I could have had a conversation about it, but I had a lecture to pay attention to and considering she asked me that, I figured if she wanted a lecture on my diabetes she would have asked more.   There is a time and place for everything and the general public only wants to hear so much.   After the class was over the girl on the other side of me told me that "that thing" i.e my meter "was cool!"  and I thanked her and told her about how it can plug into the computer...just to add to the conversation.

It's funny because to me diabetes has become so ordinary.  I forget that others aren't doing what I am doing or worrying about the same things that I worry about.   It's a much different life for people without diabetes - of course we all live different lives, but it's funny to think how foreign the tools and lifestyle of a person living with diabetes can be.


Saturday, January 12, 2013


So, it was day two of going to the gym and drinking green shakes.  I woke up feeling rather stiff - wondering exactly what I was going to do at the gym today. Not to mention, I forgot my good running shoes at my parent's house, so I am using a brand new pair of shoes (well, I bought them years ago, but never wore them...) and these shoes are killing my feet.   So, when I looked on the schedule and saw there was a yoga/pilates class - I knew that I wouldn't have to wear my running shoes and I would be able to stretch out my aching muscles from yesterdays work out!

When I woke up this morning my blood sugar was 4.1 which is a tad low for my personal liking, but I felt fine and made another one of those nasty looking green shakes that somehow taste delicious.  I figured it was a good idea to have something full of nutrients before working out and hopefully be able to stable my blood sugars.  Since, combining yoga/pilates is new for me, a new class, a new environment and a new teacher - I had no idea what to really expect as far as blood sugars dropping or rising.

I took a little less insulin for the shake and carried on my way to the gym, which ended up being a huge rush because I thought it started at 11:30 a.m and it actually started at 11:00.  I made it just on time, but didn't take the time to check my blood sugar before hand, but I knew that it was definitely not low.  About half way through the class, I felt fine, but was thinking maybe I should just suspend my pump for the next half hour - just in case!  

After finishing the class my blood sugar was 10 - which was OK.  I am thinking I can instead of suspending my pump,  just do a temp. basal! I will have to play around with it all the more I indulge in this new lifestyle I have given myself. Along with that, just before my workout as I was checking out some other websites and blogs related to fitness - I found a super neat one that I am going to attempt to use daily.

This is it:     Armstrong- MyPlate

Basically it is a food dairy that does everything for you.  What diabetics may find the best about it, is that it adds up your CARBS! It has a catalogue of food items with their nutrition value and you can select what you ate, how much you ate and when you ate it.  I found it amazing in the sense that I put in what I had added to my shake this morning and then I knew everything about it without having to do the math!

Even if you're not looking to lose weight, eat better, whatever! I think this page is a good way to just see how many carbs you're eating and possibly that could lead to figuring out how much insulin should be taken etc.   I would suggest double checking on some of the items just in case they are different, but after comparing some of the stuff I found it to be very similar to labels.

I am going to continue to explore what is out there as far as information and continue to get out there and try new things!


Friday, January 11, 2013

Just BE Happy

It's so typical for me to say that I have started up at the gym in January and decided to really make healthy food choices - but, whatever, I am saying it.   It's not a surprise, that I want to be healthier and that I need some improvement if that's what I want to be. I think everyone can admit for themselves as well.  However, as a student, it can be hard to find the motivation to cook actual meals since cooking something fast can be rather pleasing but in reality I've got 15 hours of class a week. Why do I think I don't  have time?

I just completed week ONE of school and did it without taking the bus once!  Approximately 5 km a day and a couple other walks were thrown in there.  I also managed to eat a freezer size bag of vegetables throughout the week and avoided things like bread, pasta, chips etc.   Really, went hard on the green tea - drinking 4+ glasses a day along with approximately 2-3 water bottles throughout the day as well.  I decided today that walking is good, but going back to the gym would be even better,  not to mention I was secretly missing dancing at Zumba.

I found this fortune on my walk home the other day.
 It caught my eye and when I read it - I couldn't help
but take it home with me. 
I do have a couple goals in mind that are jotted down so that I am reminded of them.  Losing weight has always been a challenge for me and I can't help but think about the 'reminders' I have been given throughout the years that are simply just motivating me to prove the 'reminders' wrong or in a sense feel good about myself, feel proud of who I am and never, ever worry about the 'reminders' again.   I guess you can say that this health change (not drastic, but different) is an overall happiness project.  I am a confident person I am not going to deny myself of that, but I know that I can work on being happier always, not just on 'good' days.

Having diabetes has kind of thrown a wrench into the mix by simply being diabetes.  I often think about my roommates or friends who work out or eat healthy and never have to worry about checking their blood sugar or in consequence going low or high.  Diabetes is for sure an aspect of my life that changes every simple and complex thing that I do.  I have gone low countless times this week just due to trial and error and I am hoping as time goes on - I can play around with my pump to the point I am reducing the lows.

For now, I am feeling good and finding inspiration all around me.  I am going to lean heavy on the diabetes community out there to give me tips and keep me motivated throughout the journey. I am going to try new things (like the spinach shake I had today...) and get rid of all the negativity that is in my life and just be happy.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

It will be O.K

As you can imagine being diagnosed at age eighteen I had lived a childhood much like the average child. I was able to indulge, attend sleepovers with less worry of my parents and had much less worries of myself.  After being diagnosed I was given a much different path in life than I had ever expected - what I knew about the world suddenly changed and the fragility of the world seemed much more apparent.  I was given an eye opening, everlasting experience.

My first thoughts on being diagnosed were not sad ones. I had linked my diabetes to my grandparents which I soon found out was not at all what I had in store for myself. I smiled on the edge of the hospital bed because I had no idea what life was going to be like, so to stay calm and positive was my first instinct.  When I realized how much hard work and time I was going to put into diabetes that was when I knew that life from this point on was going to be different.

Beyond diabetes terms and the technicalities of diabetes - diabetes taught me valuable lesson. The lessons of compassion.  I became compassionate for people suffering around me or people I heard about. I knew that what I was experiencing with diabetes was hard work, but out there in the world someone needed someone with an open heart to understand them.  I felt empathic for people that were living with disease, more specifically children that were diagnosed with diabetes.

Compassion truly comes from learning from your own experiences and applying it to others and truly understanding.  Once I realized how easy it was for my life to change and how difficult it can be, I began to look at others dilemmas and hurdles with the same kind of focus.   Similarly, when I was first given negative criticism about the blog. Once you receive negative criticism, you soon realize those nasty posts you see on Youtube accounts or Facebook pages are effecting someone - someone who may be very passionate about what they do, or very happy the way they are.

When I realized what this blog had become, I refocused my goals and knew that the power I have is to give hope to those living with diabetes and to show that I am compassionate about others living with the disease.  We all take on diabetes differently. We have bad days for all kinds of different reasons, but in the end we can all come together at the end of that day and regroup and share our stories to learn from one another.

Just remember that everyone has their own battles, everyone has different things that make them tick, laugh and cry.  We are all different, yet we can all become compassionate caring people because we've all faced many hurdles and obstacles in our life time to know that life is difficult, but everything will be O.K.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013


What is it that makes us get up when we're sleeping with a low?  I have heard many different things from people about what gets them to wake up...probably the most interesting one was that of Nicola's - a friend of mine from school.  She told me that she dreams she is in a race with wild animals, yet always seems to lose and that is how she knows she is low.  For me, I often find myself having a restless sleep or I just suddenly wake up feeling extremely hungry.

It's scary to think that there are some that do no feel lows nor have those dreams to give them a wake up call. It was interesting because last night around 1:30 p.m I was having a strange dream; of two people talking to one another - it had nothing to do with diabetes and I have no idea why it made me wake up suddenly feeling not hungry, not low but eager to check my blood sugar.   I was in fact 3.0 and had to head to the kitchen to recharge myself having my roommate get up to use the washroom, look down the hall and say, "you low?"

After once again eating TOO much, I laid in bed thinking about the dream I had. I even wrote down the last words I remember hearing in my dream to see if they would make any sense come morning.  Looking now at what it says, I think that there is no link what so ever, and it was just something in me that woke me up.

Before I went back to bed, when I was in my right mind, tired but right mind,  I started to think about diabetics having guardian angels. As if something other than our own bodies are helping us keep strong and alive.  Reminding us when we are low, forcing us out of our bed sheets - after all who wants to drag themselves out of bed just to see blood squirt out of the fingers...  I started thinking about cases of mothers or fathers waking up just feeling like their child may need a check, a shot of insulin etc.   It made me instantly believe that there must be something.  Someone keeping check.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Keep it Up!

So I've began attempting to eat healthy and it started with a trip to the grocery store to stock up on vegetables, fruits and well that's about it.  All I knew was that I hardly ate vegetables and really the only fruit I had was an apple when I was low and the occasional banana.  I was pretty gung-ho on washing all of the produce and putting it in ziplock bags so that it was readily available for my eating.  It has been working, I have been eating a lot of vegetables and fruit, however I've been fighting lows.

Like everyone else I am trying hard to be active and eat heathy - but like any person with diabetes I am finding it incredibly annoying when I am trying to avoid 'bad' food and then a low strikes and I want to eat everything in sight.  It's so hard to just eat one thing and I applaud anyone that can stick with the rules of treating lows. I think the reasons for the more frequent lows is that I am eating a lot more vegetables in replacement for things that I would have had perviously - so that's a change.  Also, I am drinking a lot more water therefore visiting the bathroom more often which is keeping my blood sugar in check!

To be honest seeing lows is kind of bitter sweet.  In a way I don't want to go low because then I crave junk and have to eat something no matter what, but on the other hand it proves to me that I am keeping my blood sugars down (maybe a little too far down, but down.)  My attempt on eating healthy, drinking more water and walking more - hopefully won't be a dud... hopefully I can soon lower my insulin rates as well to avoid lows as well!


Saturday, January 5, 2013


I always hated how in my dreams I know that I am diabetic. I probably have written this down before about a dream I had where I was trapped in a candy store and was told I could eat whatever I wanted only to reply with, "I have diabetes, I probably shouldn't..."    I always wake up thinking how I should have just ate whatever or did whatever I wanted because a dream isn't going to effect my blood sugars, right?

Well, so far most of the dreams haven't been too bad, the odd one has me waking up feeling strange about my diabetes or what have you, but it wasn't until a couple nights ago did I really experience a diabetic nightmare:

From what I remember of it, I was taking photos of a family (since I do do photography - this makes sense) but anyways, I was doing taking photos and all of a sudden I felt a little dizzy, I remember I felt disoriented and I put my leg up on the chair to balance myself out.  I remember I checked my blood sugar, seeing purple (the case of my meter is purple) and the numbers flashing 0.5 which I am pretty sure my meter would not even go that low.  Anyways, after that I remember screaming at people, but no one was listening to me and then I remember my face starting to get all strange and everything was spinning.  Then, I randomly had a jug of juice and started chugging and amazingly felt better.

Keep in mind this was just a dream! 

However, it stuck with me thinking about how scary lows can truly be.  I went through an episode of lows a couple weeks ago and most occurred when I was alone - which made it worse. I can only assume my stress over those extreme lows led me to this disaster of a dream.


Friday, January 4, 2013

What's that?

I worked in a daycare for three summers, so explaining diabetes comes natural.  I realized that explaining diabetes to children isn't as scary as it sounds - it's actually much nicer to explain diabetes to children than it is to adults.  Mainly because adults will say something like, "My Uncle had diabetes and lost his legs" whereas a child often says, "Can I see your belly where the medicine goes in!" 

I often wear dresses so people don't often see my insulin pump.  I never really thought about it, but the other day I was wearing pants and had my pump tucked in my back pocket when Vince's daughter (4) came up behind me slowly pulling out my pump asking, "What's that!" I realized that despite seeing her multiple times she really had no idea that I had diabetes!  "It's my pump it gives me medicine..." I replied to her.   She looked at me and then back down and followed the tubing to my belly where the site was.  "And what's that?"  she said again.    "That's where the medicine goes in..."   she seemed very fascinated so I asked her if she had more questions...and of course she did.

"What is the medicine for?"
"What is diabetes?"
"So if you had a chocolate, you would take lots of medicine?"
"I don't have diabetes (lifts up shirt) because I don't have one of those..."

But then the conversation changed a little bit...

"A girl in my class has one..."
"They check her blood to see if it is thick or thin...and if it is thick then she takes medicine.. "

I was instantly excited to tell Vince about not only our great conversation about diabetes, but also the fact that she possibly did have a friend in her class with type 1 diabetes.  It was amazing how much she wanted to know and how much she applied it.  When she asked me "Why I got diabetes?"  I wasn't sure how to answer it considering I was explaining to not only just a four year old, but I smart four year old.  I decided I'd go with my positive outlook on why.

"Just like you have a peanut allergy - we all have something that makes us special!" 

and she responded with:

"Yup! I have a peanut allergy and you've got diabetes!" 


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Diabetes is Kicking my Butt

It's hard to be a person with diabetes who is so completely involved in the diabetes community. It's hard because on the outside you can easily appear like you've got your stuff together, but in reality you're fighting with yourself to stay on top of your diabetes.  For me diabetes has always (by always I mean since I was diagnosed) been apart of stream of thought.  I have created my own little diabetes empire all while attempting to be a good diabetic or at least get by without having to visit the E.R or cause too many family or friends grief with uncontrollable blood sugar mishaps.

For the past ALMOST four years I feel in a way I have been 'faking' diabetes by going through the motions, but not really sitting down to get to know what my diabetes actually is. I mean, I know exactly what diabetes is and I know what it's like to live the life of a diabetic, but to be honest sometimes when I hear about other type 1's that experiment with basal rates, record blood sugars to find patterns and seriously only drink 1 single juice box when they're low - I instantly feel like I have just some how squeaked by each year I've had type 1.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking about a lot of things. I guess when a new year hits this happens. You start googling stuff like 'how to lose weight fast' and 'how to reward yourself for good behaviour, so you keep on doing good things...'  all of these things that make you feel like you do have a chance to start something new or improve in some way or another.   I started thinking about how I've felt like crap all day. How my blood sugars have been high and I feel like I have been drowning my body in insulin. I was thinking about how I feel so hungry right now, but know that when I check my blood sugar it's going to be too high to even think about having a snack before bed.  I was thinking about how diabetes was kicking my butt.

I flicked my lamp on and sat up in bed and checked my blood sugar - thinking, 'hey it's 2013 and if I think about checking my blood sugar, I am going to check it.'   My blood sugar was 10.3 and I thought "diabetes you're a pain in ..... "  I grabbed my pump wanting to just throw it away, but instead let it know my blood sugar and let it tell me it needs to once again give me more insulin.   This is when I needed to grab my lap top and begin writing because I knew that thinking about all this again while trying to sleep wasn't going to make for good dreams or a good sleep at that.

I really, truly know that there is much worse out there. I know that I am lucky to have been given something that has medicine, has support and is covered (for the most part) in my country.  But, MAN! I am sick and tired of this disease. I am so tired of how it makes me feel, tired of fitting it into my bra, tired of having to get up in the night, tired of filling reservoirs, tired of talking about bolusing, and tired of its ability to kick my butt - seriously!

I guess this is my diabetes burn out - something I heard about, read about, was talked to about... but wasn't sure when it would happen.  I mean, it's one of those things where you know that you have to deal with it or it's going to deal with you - but on the other hand you think of how nice it would be to live without it, to be so ignorant to not know what a pancreas is or what insulin does.  I'd love to not know.

I doubt that I will ever be one to experiment with my diabetes, or start reading the latest articles on the next cure, but I do know that I need to start thinking about diabetes just a tad bit more on my end of things.  I know that I need to check more and that taking care of my diabetes is important if I want to accomplish the goals I have for myself.   I guess I just need a little more motivation, or maybe I just need to blog about it more, to keep myself from losing the fight.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A New Start

New years is a time when everyone feels like they have a new beginning to work with. For me, I have always found the first day of school in September to be a fresh start, a time when you're super motivated to read all the text books and study hard. I have been thinking hard as to what I want for 2013 - of course the cliche thing to say would be to lose weight, and the cliche diabetic thing to say would be to check my blood sugar more or improve my a1c - but I've truly thought hard about what I want to work towards in 2013. 

Of course I want all the cliche things, but beyond that I want to blog more, give thanks more, smile more and do more.  I want to think of every single day as it's own chapter and work hard at learning more lessons in life and enjoying the time I have to myself and enjoying the time I have with friends and family.  It's incredibly easy to stress, especially with diabetes since that seems to get in the way often.     

I had an incredible year in 2012, blogging the most with 190 posts, having several chances to share my story via newspaper, radio and T.V and I created a type 1 diabetes meme page that has been incredibly successful.  I can only hope that 2013 will be just as bright and exciting.   I want to give more back this year, show how grateful I am for everyone that has helped me along this journey.