Friday, October 23, 2009
Last night I truly had a hard time. I found myself questioning my dreams and most importantly I was having a hard time accepting my diabetes. I feel as if I get into these ruts where I feel as if no one is listening. Call it asking for sympathy or attention starved but it's nothing like that at all. I have many different reasons for getting upset and when I do it's hard to accept words of strength and courage.
I feel horrible that much of my stress is placed on Clinton. I often find myself rambling on to him about how much I hate having diabetes. Yes I said it. Last night I found it really hard to sleep and I just was stressed that I was given this disease because there are so many things that I want to do with myself, and not have to worry about it. Last night I sent a text to Clinton that read, "I'm honestly scared. Like I hate this. I'm pissed off, why me? I'm tired of looking for reasons and I'm so tired of knowing this is forever. I can't stand it." For those who know me, you may find this a little startling. I never really talk this way about diabetes and if I do it's brief. But if you read my note from last night, you probably can recognize I am having a rather rough time with accepting this disease at the moment.
I feel like I am doing all I can to work with this disease. Being the type of person I am, I often think about the future, which right now is not something I should be worrying about. Clinton often laughs at me when I worry about something that isn't relevant for another few years but I seriously cannot help myself.
I wish that this disease had a cure. I laugh as I write that because doesn't everyone want a cure. It's hard for me that I can't become just "diabetes free." after some type of treatment. Until there is a cure I must go through these repetitive motions over and over and over again.
This is why I do what I do. I keep myself busy with writing, promoting and helping people but it wasn't until this week did I realize how much I was truly avoiding thinking about the disease. I need some quick inspiration something to keep me going. I see it all the time with comments and feedback but I can't see my dream as well anymore, it seems so far and unrealistic.
It may be the week, busy, hectic week but I am counting on having a turn around soon. I want to be back to myself, the girl who thought nothing was impossible. This disease sucks, I am going to be honest, diabetes doesn't allow you to forget about it, therefore your mind is always going 100 miles a minute. My head hurts and I'm ready to accept this and get back on my path of endless dreams and amazing journeys.