Okay, I am starting to feel bad for myself - as bad as that sounds and as much as I don't want to feel bad for myself - I have just reached the point so early in September that I am feeling completely overwhelmed. You see, school I can handle, diabetes I can handle, but together I feel like they are like oil and water - they just aren't mixing well. I have been doing post secondary schooling now for four years and I have managed to get a diploma and not once fail a class while dealing with diabetes - which seems like quite the accomplishment if you know how time consuming and frustrating diabetes can be. So, I wonder to myself why this year (which has been a total of a week thus far) seems to be the year that diabetes seems to be one big obvious hurtle that is taller than I can jump.
I blame it on having a doctor's appointment within the first week of school starting - and a new doctor at that. It's like first impressions for anyone, you are going to a party and you don't know too many people attending. You spend extra time in the bathroom getting ready, possibly even go to the mall to buy a new outfit just for that night - you do all of this because you want to make a good impression on new people, to give them an impression of you that may not be 100% accurate, but at least they will think you're a good/cool/stylish/nice person. This goes for meeting with doctors, you know the date is coming up and you just want to have 'stylish' numbers to show them, not numbers that will make them scream.
In the back of my mind for the past couple weeks all I can think about is numbers. Good numbers, bad numbers, stupid numbers, trending numbers, where-the-heck-did-that-number-come-from numbers. I am not a math person, so numbers on the brain is a bad thing - I rather have nice words flowing through my mind, story ideas and philosophical thoughts about Plato - than numbers that deem me as a good or bad diabetic. These past two weeks I have also been busy, so tracking these numbers that seem to be on my mind has got lost many times. No one should be too busy for their health, but we don't live in a world of constant rainbows and sunshine - sometimes time runs short as I mentioned before.
I feel like I have failed as a diabetic these past two weeks, not checking enough, not bolusing enough, not carb counting properly. I am tired. Diabetes has officially kicked my butt these past two weeks and if I don't get my mind in the right spot it will continue to do so. I am overwhelmed. With due dates being assigned, clubs week approaching, meeting being scheduled, doctors appointments - three this month to be exact - I am having a hard time fitting diabetes in.
But, I can't be the only one right? Diabetes kicks people's butts often right? I know that for the medical field it may be hard for them to understand my story of blaming diabetes, but we can't be blind in the fact that diabetes is a disease that takes a lot of time, effort and strength out of people. As diabetics we have multiple roles in life not just that of a person living with diabetes. So, for now I will feel bad for myself, for the thousands upon thousands living with diabetes and all the other illnesses or diseases that kicks butts.