Never

Often people comment on how cheerful I am - always smiling even when talking about being diagnosed which is a tragic story to most.  However, I have my days, just like everyone else, when that haunting feeling of not feeling like yourself creeps around you.  As hard as I try to think positive I find myself swallowing back that feeling like I want to just break down. More and more I begin to think that diabetes is playing with my emotions, testing my blood sugar and wondering if a 14 means sadness is lurking with a side of nausea.

I have some much to be excited for, a Rascal Flatts concert to be one, and yet I find myself being so miserable today. Trying to remind myself how loved and lucky I am. But, I guess it is one of those days, those days when diabetes kicks your butt without even having to alter your blood sugars too much.  As much as I wish I wasn't diabetic sometimes, I have to sit back and think of what it has given me.

I can't really imagine dealing with anything else - but that's what people say to diabetics when you explain what you need to do. Sometimes when I am standing infront of the mirror prepping myself to give a needle, I look at myself thinking ' Oh my god.. why do you have to do this? why are you having to shove a needle into your skin and wear this thing all the time? why? ' and for a second I break my own heart - not wanting to be diabetic, getting annoyed at the word, getting mad at the concept, the tools, the medication, the doctors, the lifestyle.

I think about all the children with diabetes, who will never remember what it was like to not be diabetic. Lucky or unlucky for that - I don't know.  For me, I'd never wish to go on with life without diabetes, because I wouldn't be where I am today and that is what dries my tears away when I am done cursing diabetes and its antics, that is what gives me the kick in the pants to go and inspire someone.

But for right now, let's all just curse a little in our heads at diabetes, and let it know that it isn't going to control anyones lives, it can have an hour or so of my time, even a day where it absolutely kicks my butt, but it will never, ever, take away from my entire life. Never.

Kayla