Tuesday, May 27, 2014

When Life Stops

Yesterday I woke up and honestly said, "I feel at peace..." which seems weird. Who just wakes up and says that? But I honestly felt at peace with myself and obviously I had a good sleep. I decided that I would pack a bag and head to the park and spend some solid time walking and laying out on the grass, reading, writing and listening to music without the interruption of Internet or iMessages.  Before this dream day away could happen, I had to make a stop at the allergist since I had missed my appointment by accident last week. It was simply a follow up.

Now, my hives have been at rest for the most part. Every now and then they flare up and usually I attribute them to stress, take some allergy medicine and move on. So I was prepared to joke around with the allergist and tell him that I have been doing a lot of 'happiness' reading and patio sitting and I think I am going to be o.k!  However, what he had in store for me was nothing about what remedies I have been doing, in fact he never even asked me.

He began talking about blood cells and science.  I knew that any time a doctor starts explaining science, it's not the best sign.  I tried to focus but truly wanted to just blurt out, "LOOK THEY'RE GONE! NO HIVES. BYE!" But, he steadily focused on giving me textbook definitions of red blood cells, white blood cells, mast blood cells and how many we should have, what is good, and what is bad.   Then I started cursing in my head.

He told me that I have a 'above average' count. And I won't go into detail because one, I don't know the details and two, until I know FOR SURE I won't bother.   Anyways, I feel like this doctor took no note on how I was feeling as I sat there across from him, gripping my purse, and trying not to cry. I didn't even know what it all meant but when he started throwing around some scary words, I bawled. I bawled, and I bawled until he reached up and grabbed some stupid industrial medical tissues for me to sob on.   He continued talking.

Next, Le Thyroid! Great. More news.  He went on to explain that there are also some 'above average' or I guess 'below average' issues with that. Something I have had looked at countless numbers of times via diabetes centres, yet no one said anything.  So, to say I was SHOCKED would be an exaggeration. The SHOCK was from the first set of news that already had be bawling in his office chair.

To be honest, I felt like life stopped for a quick second in that office. I felt like I had a moment to think, "Why?" and not just cry over "Why" but truly ask "WHY!"  and I am praying, praying, praying that it all is O.K and that my focus of being positive, and kick starting my thyroid, all of that will make things O.K.  

Photo found on Google Images 
At the end of the appointment, which was only fifteen minutes. He asked me if I had any questions. I just looked at him and asked, "IS THIS BAD?" with tears rolling down my face.  I can't even remember what he said, he was so nonchalant about the entire thing, I couldn't read what the mood was in the room besides my own; which was pretty mooodddy.

I sucked up my tears until I got outside the elevator and thankfully it was like someone knew I needed someone, something, words.  I fought the rest of the day with my thoughts, carefully choosing to be positive, to be hopeful and realize that truly God would never give me something I couldn't handle.  Maybe giving me a bit too much right now, but I've got it, I'll figure it out.

I truly began to think about what it means when life stops, and I don't mean 'no longer living' but when everything around you feels like it stops and it's just you and your thoughts. You have that quick moment to really think or maybe do nothing at all, but you just feel the halt like a roller coaster as it reaches the end.  I think those moments are special, and they stay with us. Like when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, or one time when I was driving down Western Road and realized, 'Man! I got accepted to Western!"

Even if those life stopping moments are hard, they do teach us something and bring us back to ourselves, those moments don't last long though, so it's important to hold onto them and remember that just after that moment what did you learn, what did you feel?


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