Lately I have been feeling a little worried, worried about everything that they first tell you when you're diagnosed. All of the things that as diabetics, we attempt to repress because if we truly thought about it constantly we would surely fall into an escapable slump. I have read various things recently and maybe that is why it has been on my mind - just the idea of knowing, truly knowing that complications from diabetes isn't just a rumour, it's a fact.
I know that there are people living with diabetes, who have lived with diabetes a long time without a complication. However, those people unfortunately aren't the norm per say. I am talking about minor and major complications, things that happen because we have diabetes. When I think about my life from a day to day perspective I can think of at least five things that make today different because I have diabetes. I had a high blood sugar, which to the life of me, I can't understand why, because of that high blood sugar I had to go the bathroom a few times already, my head hurts, I feel agitated, I can't concentrate and I am fatigued.
Even if we tried our hardest to avoid highs and lows, we still have that emotional burden of putting aside life, testing and injecting or bolusing. Or maybe we have to change our site, planned or un planned. Maybe go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled...or maybe we are just dealing with our thoughts. The thoughts about diabetes that creep into our minds, why me? why now?
Diabetes and mental health go hand in hand, as much as I never wanted to admit that diabetes puts me into bad moods, bad mind frames and upsets me - it's true. I think about my friends or family members who never have injected themselves in their lives, who have never drawn blood from their fingers, or who have never had to stress about the expenses of diabetes. I just want to be like them.
When I think of the complications of diabetes, minor or major I am terrified. I don't want that to be me, but I know that I cannot be perfect. I can't check my blood sugar always, I can't prevent lows and highs always, and I know that even if I aimed for such perfection my emotional happiness and stability would be compromised. There are nights when I go to bed and think about how many times I checked, and self blame if it wasn't enough.
It's incredibly hard to manage diabetes perfectly, and it is hard not to blame yourself when complications arise or horrible numbers flash on the meter's screen. But something has to get us by each day, something inside us makes us give insulin for our lunches, check our blood sugars throughout the day and listen to the voice inside our head when we need to have a snack late at night.
I feel as though if we keep that voice present, we keep our mind focused, we may not be able to avoid all the complications, but our day to day life will be that of anyone else living without diabetes. As much as this disease invites itself into our lives like an unwanted guest, we have to accommodate for it in a way that we don't give up and check out.