Thursday, April 24, 2014

When I Lose Control

I actually for the most part don't mind dealing with diabetes; however, there are times like now that I wish that I could have left it at home. I have been struggling with high blood sugars; mainly because I assume the hives/stress. I could honestly just eat my regular three meals a day with insulin and still end up with a wonky number. So what is one expected to do when the lose control of their pancreas? It's not like things will get done on their own. Life must carry on or else.

I am feeling incredibly frustrated with diabetes right now. I am incredibly frustrated with my health to be honest. I feel like it's taking all of me to just focus and truly get through without feeling stressed or concerned. Today, just before my exam I was a nice 22, and by nice I mean horrible. I could tell as I had to visit the bathroom every half hour and I consumed my waterbottle in a matter of seconds. I took a lot of insulin, so much that my roommates insisted I take cookies in case I go low. I walked to my exam and before I wrote, I was 17.

I told my professor, who hardly knows me because it's an online class. She told us we couldn't use the bathroom unless it was an emergency because they were lacking in T.A's But, as we all know as t1's when you have to go, you have to go. That's the nature of a high blood sugar. I felt awful, I could feel my blood sugar slowly coming down, and my focus going off into some other world. I couldn't  handle the whispering in the front of the room from the T.A's and the prof. something that wouldn't normally bother me.  I was getting frustrated and confused.

I tried to calm myself and get through the exam without having to leave to pee.  I get that maybe I somehow could have gotten out of the exam, but truly I didn't want to have to study any longer for this. I kept thinking, 'Damn You Diabetes, why are you bothering me right now?" And maybe I wasn't prepared, maybe I am using diabetes as an excuse. I really don't know, but I left feeling crappy about my preformace despite not truly knowing how I did.  I guess, because it is my graduating year, I am fearful of what marks I get on my exams because that will determine if I put on a grad cap in June or in the fall.

"What's done is done," V said on the phone tonight. I don't need to stress about what I answer right and wrong or how I did right now because there isn't anything I can do to change it.  I need to relax, with the big move in with V, I am tormenting myself with to-do lists. I will allow tomorrow to be a new day and when it comes to making choices, I will let them happen when they appear, instead of predicting them ahead of time.

Diabetes is diabetes and it's not always something I can control....


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