Own It!

Yesterday at the gym a busy mother passed me by and even though she had three children running circles around her, I did notice that she had an insulin pump clipped to her hip. I didn't tap on her shoulder telling her about my blog, as per usual, I acknowledged that was super busy and although she probably would have appreciated me talking to her, I just let that one be.  However, that made me wish I had my insulin pump clipped to my shorts for her to spot mine as well. I began wondering if I always had my pump clipped to my hip would more diabetics come up to me?

Most of the time I keep my pump stuck in my bra or clipped to my underwear (if I am wearing a dress that comes out around that area).    No one really sees my insulin pump unless I am giving myself insulin or if it is tucked in my pocket - which is becoming less popular than when I first got my pump.  I feel like the majority of the population probably doesn't know what it is, and therefore when I don't want to 'look' diabetic I shove it in my bra.   I guess I just feel like sometimes it is an accessory that doesn't always go with my outfit.

However, as soon as you're around other diabetics with pumps you begin to want to pull yours out or wear it proudly.  You feel like wearing a pump is just accepted as wearing glasses or braces. It is something that is there to help you, but it is also something normal.   Since insulin pumps are rare to the general community - it is easy to feel different when it is hanging off your hip or the back of your shorts.

Today, just before I was about to leave for the grocery store I decided I was going to go out wearing my insulin pump proud. I clipped it to my pants and didn't cover it with my shirt.  I decided it was sort of like a social experiment - and yes I have worn my insulin pump visibly before, but I had never worn it with the intention of paying attention to what others did in response. When I first got out of my car and started to walk into the store, a couple guys sitting outside on their break seemed to glance at the pump, but other than that I was surprised to notice that no one else really made a big deal about checking it out.  At least I didn't notice.   Now, it doesn't matter what other people think, but I was curious to see if wearing an insulin pump openly draws curious eyes - of course people experience this all the time with all kinds of things, but to my surprise wearing an insulin pump wasn't a big neon sign screaming, "I HAVE DIABETES."

I was pretty aware that my pump was on when I had it on my hip.  Frankly, I enjoy wearing it in my bra because it doesn't get hit, tangled or dropped on anything.  I find when I wear it on my hip or pocket, more sites get ripped out and I feel more aware that I am wearing it. Whereas when it is tucked in my bra I hardly notice it is there until it vibrates.

But, it's all about how you feel and what you're comfortable with.  I don't care if people know I have diabetes or that I wear an insulin pump - in fact I enjoy telling the stories about diabetes and the insulin pump. I am proud of my accomplishments and proud to give diabetes credit for them. However, just because I am proud doesn't mean that I always feel comfortable displaying my insulin pump.  If I have to wear it 24/7 then I will wear it how I want!

Kayla

Volunteer

Now, this message isn't coming from anywhere but myself and judging by the name of the blog post, I think we all know what I am about to dive into - volunteering!  Something I have touched base on a few times, but never really dived into.  The truth is, I never really thought of volunteering as a big deal - I mean I did it, but I didn't really think about why I decided to volunteer in the first place.   I guess we all volunteer for different reasons and if you pick the 'wrong' place to volunteer you're going to know you're volunteering whereas, if you choose a place that you love, you'll never know the difference!

When I was younger I didn't do much volunteering till about grade nine when it was forced upon us in the Ontario curriculum - forty hours I believe was needed to graduate high school.  It was then I decided I was going to volunteer at the Wayne Gretzky Centre (way to be a Brantfordian!)   I volunteered as an assistant swimming instructor and it was  A LOT of fun!  I was able to feel like I had some kind of status at 14 years old and truthfully I didn't care that I wasn't getting paid.

I exceded my required hours in the first year and while other students were scrambling for more hours before the graduation date, I had already tackled them all in grade 9 (Good advice to give to those starting high school soon!)   After that, I didn't do too much volunteering until I was diagnosed with type 1.  I don't know where it came from, I guess a little flashback of how much I enjoyed volunteering in high-school - either way I began getting involved with the diabetes groups around my area and from then on, I haven't stopped wanting to be apart of the volunteer experience.

The truth is, volunteering allows you to try out things that you wouldn't normally be able to do. If you want to be a teacher - volunteering allows you to get inside a classroom as a high school student. If you want to work with animals, you can volunteering at a local SPCA.  Any business or organizations is always happy and eager to take on volunteers - so why not find something you love and go for it.

Beyond the amazing fact that you can help the community, volunteering also allows you to help yourself. It allows you to grow, learn new things, meet new people, and see what you're good at.  We spend a good chunk of our lives working, so why not get a hold of something you love as a volunteer and grow into it and who knows - that could easily turn into a job.

There are so many volunteer opportunities out there, and after quickly googling it I found tons of opportunities that are awaiting right this second! So whatever your passion may be, animals, gardening, activism, working with youth - just go for it! Spend a couple hours of your time changing lives and most importantly, changing your life!

Kayla

One Chance

I have been saying, "Live life to the fullest' as much as I can. To those that are struggling finding inspiration or to those that are asking why?  I always knew that I was given type 1 for a reason and really, it wasn't too hard to search for the reasons; however, I know that search is not easy for all. Diabetes brings people down in more ways than anyone can imagine. It is time consuming, heart breaking, defeating and an endless struggle, but please hear me out on this one message because after hearing it myself I couldn't help but want to share with everyone else out there. 

Today I helped out with the CDA's Golf tournament in Brantford. I volunteered last year as a guest speaker, and this year I came back to volunteer with raffle tickets.  I enjoy volunteering, but really, the best part about it comes from meeting new faces or reconnecting.  At the last tournament I met a dedicated volunteer that is just inspiring in the fact that he bikes from store to store handing out flyers every year for the Brantford CDA.  He really, truly is a hard worker and I love the enthusiasm he has for his hard work.  

I was happy to see him again working hard at the event, but devastated to hear his reply when I asked him how he was doing.  "I have throat cancer, the doctors don't think I will live too long after the surgery..."  he said it softly and without too much fear in his words. I couldn't help but reach out to him, resting my hand on his shoulder not truly knowing what to say.   I instantly put myself in his shoes. Wondering what it would have been like to hear that news. 

He told me how he felt bad for his wife, how he wanted to fix up his house before the operation so that he didn't leave her with chores to be done.  His face wasn't as cheerful as it once was and my heart sank in my chest.  He said that it will be bad for the CDA because then there would be one less volunteer - but I reassured him that he is much more than a volunteer - I also told him to stay positive, keep his chin up, and do what he loves.

After the conversation was over, it was hard to walk away. I had only met him a handful of times, but instantly felt like I didn't want to let him out of my sight. How can someone be there one second, gone another? How is life so fragile? Why do we not do the things we love every day?  Then it hit me - it hit me hard.

I drove back to London tonight thinking about that moment. That moment when I stood still, looking into his eyes as he told me the doctors don't think he will live.  Why did that effect me so much? Why did I instantly think, what if that was me?   Well, at one point diabetes was a fatal sentence.  Children were dying from diabetes and there was nothing anyone could do about it.   Now, diabetics are living a lifetime.   Had I been born a hundred years ago, I would have never been so lucky.

I believe positivity can go along way. But, my cry to everyone is that we don't wait for THAT moment to change your life around.  Why do we spend nights mad at someone? Why do we go through tasks we hate? Why do we make wishes and never follow them?  So it took me diabetes to kick my butt in gear and to really start making a difference and most importantly ENJOYING making a difference.  If I can be the one that makes you think, 'Hey maybe I should do something I love before it's too late...' then I am so incredibly happy for you because truly, we only have one chance.  

Work that Out

Working out with type 1 diabetes is probably the most annoying thing. It seems no matter how hard you try, you find yourself raiding the fridge as soon as you get home or later on in the evening.  I thought today that if I worked out right after work, just before dinner, I would be able to time it so, that by the time I got home I could have some dinner and prevent that low by taking less insulin for the meal, but of course, I could feel my legs going and my mind racing as I pulled into my parking lot. I knew I was already low.

Unfortunately when you're low - you're low. There really isn't time to do much or think about much. Your first reaction is a million reactions, a million ideas of what would be good to eat, the feeling that you could eat everything in the fridge - then it comes down to it, you have to choose something.  For me, I ran in the door, thinking about a million things, 'do I have time to make dinner?' 'I am so happy I have food in the fridge to eat!' 'ou, trail mix!'  'I want chocolate milk' 'Maybe I should try and make dinner instead...' 'I really should relax and not worry about making dinner until I feel better'  all of this going on at once, not to mention walking around the apartment not really doing anything productive.

I hate the fact that after a workout you drink or eat the calories you burned instantly.  I get that working out lowers blood sugar and that is awesome - but why is it that it just does it so QUICKLY!  Or if you're on the high side it goes even higher.   Even though working out is good for other aspects of my health i.e mental health - being diabetic and trying to loose weight or feel good - can be super difficult and make you feel a little counterproductive sometimes.

Kayla

Exploring Diabetes

Management of diabetes is pretty simple, insulin.  It makes sense that taking insulin lowers blood sugar, via syringe, pen or pump, and for those that aren't insulin dependent, then it makes sense that a pill like Metformin or diet and exercise can manage diabetes as well.  However, all diabetics are laughing at this post right now because the truth is is that insulin is awesome, but diabetes sucks therefore, insulin cannot always defeat diabetes in the way it hypothetically should. 

For me, I have been mindlessly giving insulin for the past 3 years - not thinking too much about specific carbs (as much as I should) or fitness or vitamins, or alternate medicines - I have just been going by the rules of diabetes - take insulin when you eat, which don't get me wrong is good and the correct thing to do. But, I think it is time to focus on some additional ways to tackle the big D. 

I am your typical work out for a week and give up kind of girl. I enjoy getting myself pumped up to work out then deciding I don't want to do it anymore. Today for the first time in awhile I went to the gym (I am going to give myself credit, I had been walking/running for the most part in May and start of June).   Strangely enough I didn't go to the gym to tone, lose weight and all that jazz; rather, I went to alter my mood.   All that read the last blog could probably tell it was one of those crying behind the screen moments, and frankly I was getting tired of just coming home after work and sitting with a book in my hand or the T.V on.  I decided the best way to change your mood is to get out and get active.

But, that little work out, wasn't only a mood pumper, but also helped with my blood sugars - which is obvious I know, but maybe that is something I need to really think about more.  Why don't I just naturally target my blood sugars... of course I am type 1 and need my insulin - but I can also lower my insulin dosages by doing some hard work myself.

Another thing I am looking at trying is coconut oil - after a suggestion from a reader. I think I will try this out, despite hardly ever trying natural type things before.  Saying that, I have started today taking vitamins after talking to the pharmacist about what good vitamins I should be taking. So, we will see how that all goes as well.

I guess at this moment, and it could pass - I have realized that I can take some more control with my diabetes. Not leaning on my insulin pump like a crutch, and just having it assist me without abusing it.  Trust me, it is so easy to abuse an insulin pump and I am starting to feel guilty along with trigger happy.  So, we will see how it goes, exploring diabetes a little more beyond pushing buttons.

Kayla 

Never

Often people comment on how cheerful I am - always smiling even when talking about being diagnosed which is a tragic story to most.  However, I have my days, just like everyone else, when that haunting feeling of not feeling like yourself creeps around you.  As hard as I try to think positive I find myself swallowing back that feeling like I want to just break down. More and more I begin to think that diabetes is playing with my emotions, testing my blood sugar and wondering if a 14 means sadness is lurking with a side of nausea.

I have some much to be excited for, a Rascal Flatts concert to be one, and yet I find myself being so miserable today. Trying to remind myself how loved and lucky I am. But, I guess it is one of those days, those days when diabetes kicks your butt without even having to alter your blood sugars too much.  As much as I wish I wasn't diabetic sometimes, I have to sit back and think of what it has given me.

I can't really imagine dealing with anything else - but that's what people say to diabetics when you explain what you need to do. Sometimes when I am standing infront of the mirror prepping myself to give a needle, I look at myself thinking ' Oh my god.. why do you have to do this? why are you having to shove a needle into your skin and wear this thing all the time? why? ' and for a second I break my own heart - not wanting to be diabetic, getting annoyed at the word, getting mad at the concept, the tools, the medication, the doctors, the lifestyle.

I think about all the children with diabetes, who will never remember what it was like to not be diabetic. Lucky or unlucky for that - I don't know.  For me, I'd never wish to go on with life without diabetes, because I wouldn't be where I am today and that is what dries my tears away when I am done cursing diabetes and its antics, that is what gives me the kick in the pants to go and inspire someone.

But for right now, let's all just curse a little in our heads at diabetes, and let it know that it isn't going to control anyones lives, it can have an hour or so of my time, even a day where it absolutely kicks my butt, but it will never, ever, take away from my entire life. Never.

Kayla

Talking Diabetes

It's always a little awkward when you're around people you don't know so well, and the topic of diabetes comes up.  It's like you want to shout, "I'm diabetic too!" but in a way you know they have no idea who you are, you have no idea who they're talking about, and you don't truly want to put yourself in that situation of the awkward diabetic who knows all about diabetes.

Yesterday at a BBQ, a quick topic of diabetes came up that went something along the lines of, "so&so lost the bottom half of his leg..."  *my first thought - diabetes*   "YEAH! he had diabetes...he didn't take care of himself."  Now, this situation is tragic - I have heard it 100x, but I couldn't help but look up at Vince and think, 'Oh my...another story...'    after that the other lady said that this other man forgot to take his insulin before eating - then she called him a dork. Everyone laughed, including me, thinking now Vince will be calling me a dork every time I forgot to take insulin.

It's hard not to pipe in, give some say in it all, tell a funny 'diabetic' story. Instead, I kept my mouth shut, as Vince tried not to laugh at me, instead he just smiled.   He knows me well, so he probably knows it took all my power not to bust out  into conversation - however, I let it go on, like I was just an average joe, who knew nothing much about that disease. But, honestly, for a change it felt kind of nice not saying a single thing. Pretending I haven't built my life around diabetes, pretending I was ignorant to anything to do with diabetes, acting shocked when she said he lost his leg - thinking it was impossible, laughing that that other man forgot to take his insulin - pretending not to even realize what insulin was or how often he had to take it.   I should have just pretended I knew nothing - asking them what exactly diabetes was? what he had to do?  was it common?   - only to laugh inside at their answers.  But, I am not that sneaky! ha!

Sometimes it is nice to step back from diabetes.  To be in an atmosphere where you can just talk about whatever you want, without making side notes about diabetes.  It is nice to just enjoy yourself, doing fast blood sugar checks and pump adjustments, without anyone asking a single thing.  But, don't get me wrong, I love to chat about diabetes - but every now and then it is nice to slip back to being just an average Kayla.

Kayla