Diabetes Burn Out

Keeping motivated with diabetes is a hard task.  Some talk about diabetes burn out, where a person simply isn't in the mood to deal with diabetes any more.  It takes all their power to check their blood sugar and maybe not even their own power, rather the help and power of others to keep them on track.  Personally, I can say that I have felt the symptoms of diabetes burn out creep into my life. The feeling of not completely giving up, but having grown tired of doing the daily routine of diabetes management.

It really is a ten second chore to check your blood sugar.  On the scale of things, we spend much more time doing less productive tasks than the important tasks of keeping up with our diabetes.  But, for some reason that ten second task translates to a huge obstacle for those that suffer from diabetes burn out.  Sometimes, in my mind I know I should check my blood sugar, my purse may even be close by with my kit, but I still ignore the call and go without knowing.

It's bad! I know it's bad and when I think about all of the complications that can arise with unnoticed and uncorrected high blood sugars, you'd think that would be enough to convince me.  But like the smoker knows the consequences, most diabetics know, but still cannot resist the urge to ignore or push aside the duties that we were given without request.

For getting over diabetes burn out, it takes a lot of emotional self talk. Really thinking about why you're not checking or administrating insulin for a meal.  Diabetes very much so can alter your emotions and really bring you down without warning.  Personally, writing really helps me with keeping in check with my diabetes and reminding myself of what type of future I want. Often times I do blood sugar checks in the midst of blogging because I begin to feel the motivation kicking back in.

We can't expect to be full of happiness, inspiration and rainbows all of the time. After all, we all know that urge of frustration we get when dealing with high blood sugars, or that sudden urgency during low blood sugars.  Beyond the ups and downs of blood sugars, diabetes in general is a big task at hand, and it is a daily task.  It's okay to feel like it's not fair, or to feel like you need a break.  As much as we all wish that diabetes would take a day off or go on vacation, it's like our shadow.

Accepting diabetes doesn't mean holding its hand, kissing its cheek and buying it flowers. It means, knowing that it is there, doing what needs to be done, and not letting it take a hold of your life beyond what is necessary.

Kayla

Not Second Nature

Someone posted a video on a Diabetes Facebook group of a young girl, only three, checking her blood sugar. I decided to play it, not knowing what my reaction would be from it. See, I check my blood sugar upwards of eight times a day, so you would think seeing others check their blood sugar would be like second nature. But, for some reason, watching a young child check his or her blood sugar is a much difference experience for me.

I played the video, and couldn't help but notice how adorable the little girl was as she sat on her floor with her kit beside her.  She was very particular as she would do each step carefully and tidy up after each step.  I did notice that she is much more thorough with her blood sugar checking procedure, she actually changed her lancet, and she used an alcohol swab to clean her finger, something a lot of us diabetics leave out as we get lazy perhaps, with technique.

She was adorable as she gave a play by play at what she was doing as her mom taped her.  She hardly needed any help, the only thing was to get the top of the lancet device off, and a few times her mom tells her not to worry about tidying up.   At the end she says her name, and then tells us all what she just did with a smile on her face.

I was diagnosed at age eighteen, so when I began to check my blood sugar on my own after leaving the hospital, the process was fairly simple but tedious.  To watch a young girl do the exact same steps as I do every single day, without crying, without screaming, without giving up, gives me the strength to keep smiling after blood sugar checks and keep moving.  After all, she is only three and I am sure she would much rather be playing with dolls or watching her favourite show, but instead she takes the time to take care of herself, something most three year olds could not even grasp.

Kayla

Climbing Mountains

Since I have been training for Kilimanjaro, many people have been asking me about what it is like dealing with exercise and diabetes.  To be honest, besides dealing with eating specific food and diabetes, exercise is a close second or tie.  It has been incredibly difficult training and dealing with blood sugars because as much as I try to pin point insulin ratios or timing, I haven't been able to figure it out successfully each and every day.

Now, I have had good days, where I can work out and keep my blood sugar within a decent range, but I also have days (a lot of days) where I go high or low after working out.  It's funny because it seems like an easy thing, exercise lowers blood sugar, so why can't we just go work out after a meal or take our insulin pumps off?  Well, as easy as it sounds it doesn't always work.  I have tried going after a nice oatmeal breakfast, or I have tried turning off my pump, lowering my basal rates, eating right after my work out, all of these things I have tried, only to be defeated.

The other night my friend Mitch was over, who is also type 1. We got on the topic about working out since he has been going to the gym recently, in fact he went to the gym just before he visited me, but had to stop at home to treat a low.  He was telling me how incredibly frustrating it can be to have to eat after a work out because once you go low there is no turning back, you have to treat it.  It's hard because that little low voice in our head wants us to raid cupboards, but in reality we so badly just wish that we weren't low so that we didn't feel like we wasted an hour on that elliptical.

For me, I have not let diabetes stop me from working out. It was once recommended for diabetics not to do any physical activity and now we are climbing mountains.  Even though I haven't seemed to find the perfect combination for keeping within a good range after working out, I know that it isn't just physical activity that fluctuates blood sugar. Every single day even when we're not moving around our blood sugars are bouncing all over the place. We just have to take it one day at a time and give ourselves credit for the small successes.

Kayla

Tears

Today I went to Cambridge to get an EKG done in preparation for Kilimanjaro.  Something caught my eye as I walked into the building, a young girl probably a little younger than me walked out with tears in her eyes. I don't know why she was crying, but I couldn't help but watch her get into the passenger seat of her mom's car and ball her eyes out as soon as the door shut.  It reminded me of my first diagnosis.

When I was diagnosed I didn't instantly cry. I was upset, but more so because I had to miss out on the weekend.  I recall crying once again, once I was left in the hospital by myself in a room I shared with a complete stranger. Since it was night time I had no idea who was behind the curtain. I also had never slept in a hospital before, so the fear was more so based on the unknown than diabetes itself.  I cried once again when I was home from the hospital. That is when it began to sink in and I was looking at my finger tips, upset about what they would look like once I made this diabetes thing a routine.

After that, tears were rare about diabetes.  I cried at a buffet on a cruise because I was overwhelmed, and other than that nothing too prominent comes to mind in the days or months post my diagnosis.  Minor upsets and disapointments come with living with diabetes. It's hard not to get upset, really.  Just like the girl leaving the Cardiac centre, any change can be difficult. Once again, I am assuming that the tears were from an appointment.

I believe the important thing is acceptance. As much as diabetes gets on my nerves and breaks me down at times, I have to find that inner acceptance that keeps me in check.  Diabetes is a huge obstacle, but not a brick wall, there are many ways to get through the obstacles even when you feel defeated.

Kayla

High B.S

It seems like I have been complaining a lot this month, but in reality, I shouldn't be because life isn't too bad. This summer seems like it is racing by with one barbecue after another, which I love since that means I get to spend time with friends and family almost every weekend - something that doesn't happen as much in other seasons. However, with these barbecues, high blood sugar has been a key issue this summer, which isn't my ideal state of mind nor body.

Yesterday I was having a troubling time trying to keep my blood sugar low, when I recall what I ate, oatmeal for breakfast, tuna on a bun for lunch, crackers and cheese for a snack before dinner, hot dog on a bun for dinner and an apple with peanut butter for bed time snack, I can't really recall what would have angered my blood sugar so much. I felt like I was chasing highs with insulin all day long, and nothing was stopping them from going 12 mmol/L to 16 mmol\L back down to 10 mmol\L and so on.

The night time was the worst, I had set my alarm for 7:30 a.m because I had my health psychology exam this morning. But I literally got up every hour to pee. It almost felt like I would get up, use my pump as a guiding light, pee, head back into bed, then have to get back up in a matter of seconds. Of course when I was actually checking the time on my pump it was an hour to two hour time span, but still.

I woke up at 7:30 a.m with a blood sugar of 16.1 mmol/L which is extremely high for me to be waking up at, normally I am almost verging on low when I wake up.   My mouth felt dry, I was incredibly thirsty and once again I woke up feeling like I was going to pee my pants.  The joys of high blood sugar.   After making oatmeal and grabbing a banana to have for breakfast, I ripped out my site before bolusing, on purpose.    I was tired of being high and I had spent the previous day trying to compensate for what I felt like was undeserved high blood sugars.

Upon ripping out my site, putting a new one then bolusing for my breakfast, I prayed that before my exam I would be within a normal range.  I didn't check before I headed in because I have this amazing ability to act my blood sugar even if I previously was that number, but just didn't know.  I am currently sitting at a 19.0 mmol/L blood sugar which doesn't make sense once again, which is leading me to believe that maybe it is the insulin.

I am prepared to do one more big bolus, and see what happens.  If by lunch (in about an hour) it is still high, I guess I will have to throw away the reservoir of insulin and begin again.  It can be so frustrating when high blood sugars are constant, and don't seem to be caused by your lack of bolusing or food choices.  So we will see how this afternoon plays out. Hopefully I am back on track before lunch.

Kayla

Perspective

Lately I have been feeling a little worried, worried about everything that they first tell you when you're diagnosed.  All of the things that as diabetics, we attempt to repress because if we truly thought about it constantly we would surely fall into an escapable slump.   I have read various things recently and maybe that is why it has been on my mind - just the idea of knowing, truly knowing that complications from diabetes isn't just a rumour, it's a fact.

I know that there are people living with diabetes, who have lived with diabetes a long time without a complication.  However, those people unfortunately aren't the norm per say.  I am talking about minor and major complications, things that happen because we have diabetes.  When I think about my life from a day to day perspective I can think of at least five things that make today different because I have diabetes.  I had a high blood sugar, which to the life of me, I can't understand why, because of that high blood sugar I had to go the bathroom a few times already, my head hurts, I feel agitated, I can't concentrate and I am fatigued.      

Even if we tried our hardest to avoid highs and lows, we still have that emotional burden of putting aside life, testing and injecting or bolusing. Or maybe we have to change our site, planned or un planned. Maybe go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled...or maybe we are just dealing with our thoughts. The thoughts about diabetes that creep into our minds, why me? why now?

Diabetes and mental health go hand in hand, as much as I never wanted to admit that diabetes puts me into bad moods, bad mind frames and upsets me - it's true.  I think about my friends or family members who never have injected themselves in their lives, who have never drawn blood from their fingers, or who have never had to stress about the expenses of diabetes.  I just want to be like them.

When I think of the complications of diabetes, minor or major I am terrified.  I don't want that to be me, but I know that I cannot be perfect.  I can't check my blood sugar always, I can't prevent lows and highs always, and I know that even if I aimed for such perfection my emotional happiness and stability would be compromised. There are nights when I go to bed and think about how many times I checked, and self blame if it wasn't enough.

It's incredibly hard to manage diabetes perfectly, and it is hard not to blame yourself when complications arise or horrible numbers flash on the meter's screen.  But something has to get us by each day, something inside us makes us give insulin for our lunches, check our blood sugars throughout the day and listen to the voice inside our head when we need to have a snack late at night.

I feel as though if we keep that voice present, we keep our mind focused, we may not be able to avoid all the complications, but our day to day life will be that of anyone else living without diabetes.  As much as this disease invites itself into our lives like an unwanted guest, we have to accommodate for it in a way that we don't give up and check out.

A Diabetic's Best Friend

Going low can be quite the event especially when you're not in your own space. I spent this past weekend up at the Richardson's cottage with Michelle.  It was a nice little getaway, but of course diabetes always has to pack its bags and travel along with me. It is always the hardest managing diabetes when you're not home, of course. When we're at home we enjoy usually the same similar foods and activities.

My blood sugars were on the high side most of the time I was there, mainly because we were indulging and lounging in chairs outdoors and taking boat rides. I didn't really engage in to much physical activity besides a few walks and a mock exercise class I made Michelle do with me. But that is what the long weekend is all about, indulging and enjoying.  However, I some how managed to have an after midnight low blood sugar.

Michelle and I were sharing the pull out couch and were ready to go to sleep.  We had been chatting for a couple hours and I didn't feel any true low blood symptoms, just that voice in my head that was telling me to check.  I had left my meter in the room her brother was staying in, so I crawled out of bed, knocked on his door, opened it, getting my insulin pump stuck on the door of course, grabbed my purse and closed the door again.

I went and sat down beside the bed, Michelle sat up.  I told her to guess my blood sugar, since that seems to be a favourite game of mine to play.  I guessed 2.7 mmol/L and Michelle guessed, 3.1 mmol/L.  As we patiently waited for the countdown to see who was right, the number finally appeared, 3.1.     I couldn't believe that Michelle had guessed it so perfectly, she then asked what I wanted to eat.  I grabbed a bag of jujubes and sat in bed with Michelle to eat them.  We both treated ourselves to a low snack.

Of course, typical diabetic I am, I wanted peanut butter as well.  But don't worry I didn't start smearing the peanut butter on my jujubes, instead I grabbed an English muffin and smeared it with a nice, thick layer of peanut butter. Michelle kept asking if I needed help, but my low self, is much like a two year old toddler, I insisted I could do it myself.

So, there we were, a diabetic and her best friend sitting in bed after midnight enjoying a low snack together. We talked about other times I went low when I was with her, and how strange it was that I crave peanut butter so badly.  Soon after we fell back asleep.  In the morning, Michelle dad opened up the peanut butter, noticing the tin seal was still on and peanut butter was smeared around the edges.  He asked who made a mess of the peanut butter...I peeked my head out from the room and said, 'Sorry, that was my low self that demolished the peanut butter....'

Kayla