Fitting In

I have heard it come from the mouths of diabetic youth - the fear and true feelings of not fitting in with their peers.  As much as I would like to think this is a youth problem not anyone elses' that is not true.  In fact I think we never stop wanting to fit in, somewhere in all of us whether we want to admit it or not, we want to be the norm and when we aren't the norm we want those little exceptions to be outstanding, ones that make people like us more, want to be our friends or give us praise.

Another one of my biggest supporters (Michelle).
 Finding a friend that appreciates your diabetes is the best feeling
 in the world.

It's already hard enough to be a teenager. I remember being a teenager - of course it wasn't even that long ago, and to this day, I'd never wish to go back. Being a teenager is awkward, but it is a time in your life that does have good moments, but most of all it gives you a whole slew of teachable moments as well that at first you label as bad, but then come to realize it was all leading to something else.   So, if it is already hard to keep up with teenage life, imagine slapping on an insulin pump to your teenage hip, throwing a meter in your cute clutch or backpack and having to carry juice boxes or snacks like your younger kindergarten sister.  Not exactly an easy breezy time.

Many teens have asked me about this issue and I can't give them advice about navigating high school, as much as I can with navigating college and beyond.  But, I do know that what I have learned since high school diabetes related or not, is that kids that bully go no where, and if they do, it is when they have reached out and found forgiveness.  I have people on my face book that bullied me at a time in elementary school, horrible bulling, and yet I still 'friended' this person.  If someone does not take the time to appreciate you, appreciate what you do, and appreciate your diabetes in particular than you do not need to make time to appreciate them.    Be yourself, be honest, be happy, and never slump down to their level. It is always good to have one good friend then 300 sometimes-friends who do not appreciate you for you.

I do feel that sometimes I am unlike my peers. I often feel bad for Vince for having to have a diabetic girlfriend - this is just a moment in time sympathy I feel, but honestly, sometimes I think, ' I can't believe he doesn't care that I have a pump...'  but when he says thinks like, 'I love your eyes, I love your smile, I love your site..' I know that I have found the one that appreciates me for me, for what I do and he appreciates my diabetes.

Fitting in isn't an easy job for anyone whether you have a pump or not. The truth is is that everyone has that little thing that makes them feel like they aren't 'normal' or won't be accepted, sometimes it is as simple as a birth mark, or as complicated as a disease.  But truth is, there are millions upon millions of people out there, and you have the right to pick to who you want to bring into your life.   Don't let anyone lead you to believe you aren't worth that.

Plus, if you're diabetic, I can ensure you there is a tight, amazing, wonderful online diabetes community out there that is always willing to be there for you.

Kayla

The High Life

So, I am feeling completely insulin challenged.  I have spent the past 24+ hours with blood sugars above and beyond or in the words of Buzz Lightyear, 'to infinity and beyond...' and with those high, outrageous blood sugars I have consumed more water than a fish and in return got my exercise by walking back and forth to the bathroom.  At this point, all I want to see is a shining 6.8 looking back at me.... that's all I ask.

For the most part, I expect to have some highs every now and then whether that is throughout the day or just once a day. But, having consistently high blood sugars - and yes I realize it is dangerous as well...is most annoying.  I feel like I am giving myself insulin only to see an even higher number.  I realized I was running into something when we went out of my grandparents 50th Anniversary party. I sat there at the restaurant just drink water, even stealing other people's untouched glasses because the waitress wasn't filling them up fast enough. In a matter of 1.5 hours I had polished off about 6-7 glasses of water and visited the restroom 3 times not to mention on the drive home I was wiggling in my seat waiting to get out of the care to use the bathroom.

My grandma (a type 2 diabetic) was shocked when she saw that my meter said it was unable to read blood sugar because it was too high.   To me, it was alarming, but not as alarming as my family had made it out to me, as they gasped in shock saying things like, "KAYLA!" and "WOW!"    At this point I was glad I just ordered a small caesar salad.  Of course, however, the waitress got wind of what was happening and my Aunt announced that I had high blood sugar.  To her, that probably meant not much, while others gasped, I just pulled out my pump and max bolused - hoping that with all the water, peeing and insulin I would be back to normal in no time.

This wasn't the case, after all that I was still in the twenties.  I had to go back to London because I had to work in the morning.  I couldn't believe that will all the peeing, I was still running so high.  I could have sworn I must have pee'ed out every bit of sugar in my system - or at least it felt that way.   I didn't think much about it before going to bed. I was tired, I was tired of drinking water, I was tired of peeing, I was tired of reading stupid readings on my meter, I just wanted to go to bed.   I slept well, only getting up twice to use the washroom - which seems normal to me.    But, in the morning when my blood sugar was a whopping 19, I knew that I was dealing with something, a virus? a malfunctioning pump? a bad meter?

I made sure to bring water with me to work, today I only worked a half day, so I wasn't too concerned about these mystery readings.  I checked about 2 hours after eating and I was still high.  I drank more water, visited the bathroom.  Thought to myself, BANTING, your invention is just not working today! Once I finished work I ran some errands, but could feel all the symptoms creeping up on me. I just wanted to go home and go to bed or something of that nature.

By the time I got home I was ready to throw the insulin pump out the window along with my meter and anything diabetes related. I was at the point where I felt like insulin was not working and in the back of my mind I was thinking of drastic things like, what if my body is now rejecting this insulin? what if I am allergic to insulin?  Weird high thoughts I guess.  I then just ripped out my site.  Of course it was bent - twisted like twist tie.    Great, I thought.

The next step was to put in a new site.  Something no one likes doing a day early, but no one likes being consistently high either, so sometimes you have to pick your battles.   I put the new site in my stomach, because I knew that was the best spot if I am looking for good absorption. I also can be 100% sure on where I am putting it, because I can see it so easily on my stomach.  It hurt, it really hurt and I used my choice words (as per usual during site changes) and I walked around the apartment, well I marched around the apartment until the stinging subsided.

I got the pump all set up again and gave myself 14 units of insulin.   Hopefully, this was going straight into the body. I was so, so, so annoyed.   I watched t.v for a little bit, realizing I hadn't even had lunch and it was nearly 3 p.m.  I for some reason was craving a egg salad sandwich and well, eggs don't have much carbohydrates, so I pursued my craving.   I was still running high and that is when I decided I was just going to sleep.   I realize this may not be the safest thing to do, but for all that have had high blood sugars, sometimes it seems impossible to just keep your eyes open.

After a quick nap I was feeling like I could be sick. However, after waking up I saw my lowest number  which was still a high number, but the lowest of what I had been seeing for the past while.   That made me feel like something was happening, it was just happening super slow, but then again I might have just felt as worse if I had just plummeted to a low.   So hopefully, fingers crossed before bed I will be looking at a nice number, feeling like this high life is over for now because I am so over it.

Kayla

The Sidekick

When I was little I wanted glasses, I thought it would be neat to have something like that, well if luck would have it, by grade 7 I was wearing glasses and to my surprise glasses were not all that fun as I dreamed when I was little.   It is funny that children think the littlest and strangest things are the best. I assume just like when a girl finds her favourite pair of shoes, the same excitement occurs with children finding worms in the garden. But, I am not really talking about worms or those little treasures kids find around the yard, I am thinking on a scale that most children would not normally think about, unless his/her sibling had type 1 diabetes.

Today, I met the cutest little girl. At first I hardly noticed, until I was pointed out her little insulin pump that clung to her waist in its very own case.  To my surprise, it wasn't your average pump - in fact, it was made of wood.   The little girl had her very own insulin pump, decorated with legitimate stickers for an insulin pump and in case you were wondering what she did for tubing and a site, unless you're under the age of seven you probably would never guess it, but she drew on the tubing and site with marker.

This made me smile, probably my biggest smile today.  Beside her was her sister, the real diabetic wearing the real pump.  She wears the pump to support her older sister, and I think that is the most beautiful thing I have come across in a long time.  Can you imagine having support like that? I hope we all do have support like that. Not that our boyfriends or girlfriends should be drawing sites with marker on their stomaches, but more so, having people around us that WOULD do that if we asked them too.

I learned something very special today, and that is that courage, support, love and inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes, today it just happened to come in the shape of the cutest girl in the world.

Kayla

I am not Diabetes

It isn't uncommon to instantly identify yourself in regards to diabetes. Of course, we are not all yelling out that we have type 1 diabetes, but I personally can safely say that diabetes has become a part of my identity. As much as I realize that I am not diabetes, diabetes is a disease that has come into my life, sometimes I find it hard to pull that away from myself.  

I feel like the majority of my life experiences (well those that I like to acknowledge) have come from having type 1 diabetes, all of the opportunities just would not have been there had I not been diagnosed. But, at the same time, had I not been diagnosed with diabetes, it is hard to say where I would be today and what other experiences I would have had.  I like to think that I can give some credit to my diagnosis for all that I have accomplished thus far.

I realize once again that I AM NOT DIABETES - there are many faces of diabetes, but no person is just a product of diabetes.  I do have other personality traits, qualities, experiences, stories etc. that have nothing to do with diabetes; however, I have found that the stories that I love to tell, the qualities, traits and experiences I feel good about are those that come from my diagnosis.

So yes, it is hard to pull myself from my disease which sounds strange - why would someone want to be so connected to something that sounds so brutal in nature. In my reality, I do want to pull myself back at times to remember that diabetes has its place just like all other aspects of my life.  But for now, as long as I am enjoying it, why not be Kayla Brown, the type 1 diabetic!  

Kayla 

Our Purpose

I finished off the Eckhart book and wanted to present my last note that I found fits well with diabetes and how we go about living with diabetes. Like mentioned before, accepting diabetes is crucial, but in the same breath accepting all that goes along with diabetes including getting angry, high and low blood sugar and the extra tasks that diabetes brings.  To finalize what I took from this book and applied to my diabetes life all started with this line which reads, "behind the sometimes seemingly random or even chaotic succession of events in our lives as well as in the world, lies concealed the unfolding of a higher order and purpose." 


To me this makes perfect sense, it is similar to the idea that everything happens for a reason, only I find this statement gives a little bit more hope. Knowing that, yes what just happened seems random (like a diagnosis) however, take that diagnosis and know that behind it all there is a purpose.  This can be applied to anything and of course I know Eckhart may have no predicted that a type 1 diabetic would take that sentence and splatter it on a blog and relate it to a diagnosis, but surely it makes sense to do that.

When I was diagnosed I didn't have time to think why me? It wasn't until later in the diagnosis did I start to ponder the question and honestly, from time to time I still think about it. Why would I get diagnosed with diabetes compared to the other millions of people who do not live with type 1 diabetes?  What makes me so special?  However, the more I go on with life as a diabetic, I have realized that there was some purpose behind the 'random act' of being diagnosed with diabetes. It wouldn't take long to write a list of reasons why diabetes has helped my life improve.

I would hope that parents of type 1 diabetics could also find hope in this statement made by Eckhart.  I hope that they too could realize that although their children were diagnosed - that isn't the end, diabetes doesn't go away, but at the same time, diabetes isn't a life sentence. There is so much good that can come from a diagnosis, you as a type 1 can get involved, meet new people, explore different career paths, start clubs or support groups etc.  or you as a parent of a type 1 can do all these things as well.

Sure, diabetes is a disease we all can get raging mad about, but at the same time, we cannot let diabetes take our every thought and turn it negative. We can work alongside the disease to prove that living with diabetes can give you lots of reasons to shine bright and keep smiling.

Kayla

Paranoia

I often question if blood sugar levels can heighten paranoia. Lately, I have found myself driving myself crazy, thinking every little noise is something (as I write this I googled 'paranoia and diabetes' and bitter sweet diabetes blog popped up! So, I don't feel crazy continuing to write this because either we are both crazy or diabetes is causing this!

I have always been a worrier and as much as I try to convince myself to think happy thoughts in scary times, I have a hard time.  I find myself walking around the apartment checking out every noise (now, that I think about it, I guess I am one of those dumb characters on movies where you shout at them, 'GET OUT!')  but, honestly that noise  I hear is the fridge or the sink or the dishwasher.

With current events getting closer and scarier than ever, it makes you wish you were a child again.  Not knowing what was going on beyond your own backyard - but then again was that just sheltered children like myself or all children. It truly scares me that damage that people can do out there and how traumatizing some people can make others' lives. Honestly, I do like to think that the majority of people out there are good people, but when you turn on the t.v it is hard to imagine such a world.

Now, back to diabetes - although my blood sugar has been normal every time I felt a little paranoid,  I am beginning to think this feeling is some what normal for anyone.  After all I am not completely standing still in life because I am afraid. I still go out at night, drive around etc. I just do it with caution, knowing that I am not in a little bubble anymore - or was I ever.

So, now that I have realized via google that other diabetics are feeling paranoid - I know that this topic has been pushed out there.  I am interested to find out more.

Kayla 

Find Acceptance

As I am finishing up the Eckhart book, A New Earth - I am looking back at the notes I jotted down (once again) and one note that I thought would be a good start is about acceptance. Acceptance is a huge subject when it comes to dealing with diabetes, whether that is type 1 or type 2 diabetes. When you are diagnosed with diabetes, no matter what age you have to learn to accept it because your life can come to an enormous halt  if you refuse to accept your diagnosis.

Acceptance doesn't always come right away and it doesn't always stay. You can accept that fact that you have diabetes as a child, but deny and neglect it when you are a teen.  This is when you hear horror stories of parents trying to figure out how to get their teen to take insulin or stories of short lived lives of diabetics who decided they didn't want to treat their diabetes anymore.  Yes, diabetes is connected to mental health, yet most hospitals are not focusing on this connection and making sure that all those living with diabetes are able to accept their diagnosis.

I was lucky, I instantly accepted that I was diabetic. I often tell the story about the doctor asking why I was smiling in the E.R.   I had no idea why I was smiling, but I guess that was my way of saying, 'I accept this'  I haven't had a day that I decided I didn't want to do this anymore. Of course there are days that I do not check my sugar nearly enough, but I always am sure to give insulin when I eat and treat lows and highs.

Accepting is a funny thing because it is not like you have to accept you have diabetes and smile about it every single day.  Accepting diabetes includes accepting that diabetes is going to make you mad, accept that anger and then push through it.  It is okay to have bad days, just don't let those bad days turn into bad weeks.  Accept that living with diabetes is going to be tricky, but 100% manageable. I am a person with goals and dreams, goals and dreams that grew 10x bigger after being diagnosed and I can honestly say that despite being diabetic (as many people may think it holds you back) I have accomplished a lot in the past three years and will continue to do so.

So, whatever you need to do to accept your diabetes, do it. Finding acceptance is what will make you feel good waking up every morning and going to bed at night.  Diabetes doesn't stop anyone from dating, going away to school, creating a family, having a career, bungee jumping, climbing a mountain, or eating your own birthday cake.

Kayla