Thursday, March 5, 2020

Feeling Guilty

Guilt, we can feel it when we perceive that what we are doing is wrong or will be viewed as wrong. We feel guilty when we don’t check our blood sugars enough, we feel guilty when we see high blood sugar numbers or a not so pleasant lab result.  We feel guilty for eating something that we know we will have to try to fight a battle with later. We feel guilty. 

Most of the time when I feel guilty it’s on my own conscience, not because I fear someone else will judge me. I know that no one is going to see my exact blood sugar at that moment, but I fear to check it to ultimately know what it might be. I feel guilty that I didn’t perhaps take enough insulin, I didn’t give my mind enough time to figure out exactly what I should have done, or that I neglected my diabetes entirely.    

Sometimes when I know, just know that my blood sugars are wild - I try to avoid checking because I know confirming with results is going to change my mood. Of course my mood is effected already because I know it’s likely high, but seeing the exact pattern and perhaps how long it’s been high, will solidify that guilt.  

It’s hard to be ‘easy’ on myself and to remind myself that my blood sugar numbers or care does not define me.  I am capable of taking care of myself, but I forgive myself for the times I can’t do it all.   


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