I should clarify, I am not competing against someone else, I am competing against myself. We are all competing against ourselves when we are diagnosed with diabetes because there is a fine line between, I caused this, and I didn't cause this but I need to do something about it. You know, like when you're babysitting and the child spills milk everywhere, and you know you didn't do anything to make the milk spill all over the tile floor, but it needs to get mopped up. The kid isn't going to mop it up, you are. That's your job. Like, diabetes is your job, you need to take care of it.
Diabetes is like the milk on the ground, except as much as you mop it up, somehow it always reappears. You could have the strongest sippy cup in the nation, but milk is going to spill. I have awesome days with diabetes, I keep my cool, my blood sugars appear to be co-operating, but then just as I get comfortable, I am slammed with a high blood sugar. I know why usually. Usually, I forgot to bolus, or I didn't carb count properly. There are times where I am also unsure of what went wrong. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong to deserve the high or low, but regardless, something must be done.
Almost as much as the amount of time I think about, "I am hungry, you don't need to eat." I am also obsessing over what my control is like with my diabetes. Is it average? Am I failing myself? When is the last time I checked my blood sugar? Do I even care? And when I do check I am judging whether or not it's good, or bad or asking myself why I let it get to a certain number.
"Kayla, why didn't you just focus at breakfast and give a proper bolus! Pull it together woman!"
I am like my own awful coach who constantly yells at myself for dropping the ball.
I am literally competing against myself to try and be better, but at the same time giving up. It's a bit ridiculous. I feel as though this disease has so many different aspects to it, than as one single person, it's hard to figure out the best way to handle it all, and I guess that is why many of us with diabetes do feel that competition within ourselves. That nasty coach voice yelling at us to run faster, pass the ball and pay attention.