Thursday, February 12, 2015

Because I have diabetes....

I rarely worried about diabetes as being something that was going to 'kill me'  I never thought of diabetes as serious.  I don't mean that in an ignorant way. I think it was my way of coping with diabetes.  Thinking of it as something I just have to take care of and everything will be fine. While, yes taking care of your diabetes does result in good health - there are aspects of diabetes that we cannot control, days where our blood sugar sky rockets without warning, or days that a dark cloud seems to hang over our head and we don't manage to our best ability.

When my uncle passed away in the late summer, I looked at my diabetes differently. He also was a type 1 diabetic.  It wasn't diabetes, but he was the one type 1 in my family that I felt I was connected to. Not in a way that we talked about diabetes together (because we didn't) but just knowing that I had someone blood related in my life with type 1, that was travelling and working, and enjoying life gave me something to hold onto.  I had learned that my dad also had a cousin that passed away who was type 1 diabetic.  Realizing both of my blood relatives with type 1 had passed away, I felt this strange sense that I was the lone survivor and that I was next.

It sounds awful, and the thought has been lingering in my head since.  Something that I struggle with on days that I give myself too much time to let my mind wander.  It makes me anxious knowing that diabetes is way more serious than I ever let it be.  That this disease isn't worse nor better than any other disease. This is real life and it isn't easy.

I had an eye appointment a couple weeks ago and all I could think about was if he was going to tell me bad news.  Because I have diabetes he's going to tell me something is wrong with my eyes. Because I have diabetes .... I hate that I even have to think that with every single appointment I go to. Every time I have hives, every time I get stressed, every time I feel sick, every time.

I don't want to cast negative thoughts on myself because of my diagnosis.  I have proven to myself and others that living with diabetes isn't a limitation. But I would be lying if I didn't say there are times when I am terrified that I have diabetes.  I want to live my life the fullest and I have realized the we don't know how 'full' our life is going to be and we can't sit around and wait for the bad to kick in. We have to go one day at a time, and truly do whatever we have been meaning to do. Don't wait. Don't worry and don't let those thoughts take over.

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