In a month it will be five years living with type one diabetes. It's one of those things like your age as you get older, you have to carefully calculate just how long it has been. While I feel like a five year old would know exactly how old she is, '5 and a half!' Living with five years of diabetes is or feels so much longer.
I'd like to say that the almost five years that has passed as been great. Great in the sense that I can write a list of over ten things I am grateful for due to my diagnosis. However, being diagnosed with diabetes is not all good times and celebrations. Rather, a majority of the time it sucks.
Despite it only being five years, a veteran diabetic might tell me that I don't know anything or that I am just a baby diabetic. In reality, no matter how long you've lived with type one diabetes, you become this expert of all things diabetes. Your brain changes, your mind changes, your physical state changes. For me, five years feels like a lifetime.
I don't really remember eating things without consequence. Obviously I can think of times I ate without checking my blood sugar or taking an injection pre diabetes, but I can't truly think of that girl that didn't care, didn't count, didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. I don't remember that girl.
Diabetes has taken what a good day could be and turned it into a million questions and answers. What am I eating for breakfast? I am not hungry. Too bad you have to eat. How many carbs are in oatmeal? Will this spike my blood sugar? I feel like crap already. Will I go low in class? Should I bring a snack? Where is my insulin pump? Do I have time to change the reservoir? What is my blood sugar? Where did I put my meter? Why is it so high? The list goes on.
These past five years, that feel like fifty have been great, but behind each great moment lies a million thoughts, questions, feelings, answers, fears, fights, stressors and headaches that I have fought.