Every now and then I have those moments where I begin to wonder why I was given diabetes. Of course there are no answers that would satisfy me, in fact I don't believe there really are any answers at all. Only the answers I give myself back when I question myself, to make myself feel better about my situation. I was given diabetes, I was given diabetes for some strange reason, and here I am really bathing in it, trying to see what more can come with my diagnosis, new friends, new experiences, career possibilities, a voice.
The other night I was lying in bed. My insulin pump, which I let freely roam in my bed with me, keeping us connected by the 23 inch tubing, was driving me insane. I was tossing back and forth and each time it twisted around me, pulling my site, not enough to rip it out but enough to feel the pinch. I didn't want to get out of bed to grab the clip, still I knew had I clipped it to my pajama bottoms I would be shuffling it around, as it is very uncomfortable to lay on. My mind slowly began to wander, wander to the place that questions diabetes, that hates diabetes.
I thought about how I managed to not have diabetes for almost 19 years of my life, and how I wish it just never happened, whatever triggered it etc. I hate that I have to worry about everything from my feet not healing properly, to my eyes not being able to see no longer. Why does diabetes haunt us so much? Why do I have to worry about the risk during pregnancy being diabetic, can I get pregnant? Why do I have to relate every little headache, pain, frustration to diabetes - can it be something else? Why is diabetes haunting infants, children, teens, young adults, and adults?
I shook the thought out of my head. For there is nothing that I can do about the fact that I have diabetes. Whether or not I like it, I have to deal with it. It is just incredibly frustrating knowing that it is more than just sugar and insulin. So much more.