Feeling Guilty

Guilt, we can feel it when we perceive that what we are doing is wrong or will be viewed as wrong. We feel guilty when we don’t check our blood sugars enough, we feel guilty when we see high blood sugar numbers or a not so pleasant lab result.  We feel guilty for eating something that we know we will have to try to fight a battle with later. We feel guilty. 

Most of the time when I feel guilty it’s on my own conscience, not because I fear someone else will judge me. I know that no one is going to see my exact blood sugar at that moment, but I fear to check it to ultimately know what it might be. I feel guilty that I didn’t perhaps take enough insulin, I didn’t give my mind enough time to figure out exactly what I should have done, or that I neglected my diabetes entirely.    

Sometimes when I know, just know that my blood sugars are wild - I try to avoid checking because I know confirming with results is going to change my mood. Of course my mood is effected already because I know it’s likely high, but seeing the exact pattern and perhaps how long it’s been high, will solidify that guilt.  

It’s hard to be ‘easy’ on myself and to remind myself that my blood sugar numbers or care does not define me.  I am capable of taking care of myself, but I forgive myself for the times I can’t do it all.   

Kayla 

A Book for Us: Mommy Beeps by Kim Baillieul

As Nixon grows more curious, I wonder what it will be like to explain my type 1 diabetes to him. He has already discovered my insulin pump, often tugging on the tubing or grabbing the pump, while I “ta-ta” him for now, before I know it he will be asking questions and I’ll explain! 

I stumbled upon something special online the other week, that made me place an Amazon order right away. A book that seemed so perfect for now, for later, for me and for him. Mommy Beeps by Kim Baillieul is the perfect little book for not only a child who has a parent with type 1, but also for the parent who has type 1.  

It literally brought me to tears reading each page that simply, yet precisely explained type 1 diabetes and all that it entails.  From doctors appointments, to pharmacy visits, to insulin storage and supplies - this book is a must for any child who loves a type 1! 

This book also has beautiful illustrations (Elisena Bonadio) that make you realize this book isn’t just an educational piece, but a beautiful story of the life of a type 1 mommy! 

While Nixon may not fully understand yet, I know it will be our special little book about his mommy. 

You can check it out here: 

Mommy Beeps

Kayla 

The Power of Community

The power of community is unmeasurable. I learned this early on in my diagnosis. I was shown the diabetes community both in real life and online within weeks of my diagnosis and I credit my positivity on that. Knowing people who are going through what you’re going through is incredibly helpful and also very healing at times.  You realize you’re not the only one who may be struggling or feeling drained and you connect over things that others in your life do not

I should have known that motherhood would be the same, it just turns out there are way more opportunities and mothers out there than there are type 1s!  Motherhood is funny because you are literally thrown into it without really being able to prepare. I mean we think we are prepared because we buy the things, we read the books or we do the classes (I only bought the things & totally winged the rest...) but really nothing can prepare you for what being a parent is really like.  Similar to diabetes, you can be the smartest endocrinologist with a strong knowledge of diabetes, but without that lived experience it’s hard to know what it’s really like until you’re thrown into it. .

I consider myself lucky because I didn’t deal with postpartum depression like some mothers do, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have the emotions, anxiety, worry, stress or loneliness that comes with being a mom. Those first few months are rough!  While I had found a few mom instagrammers online (which is both helpful and not helpful) I didn’t immediately think about finding a motherhood community to help re connect me to the outside world, like I said those first few months are rough.

Finding the diabetes community not only changed the way I perceived my diagnosis, but it also introduced me to many amazing people.  I knew that opening up myself to other mothers surely had to have a similar positive ripple effect into my life and surely it has.   It really is community that makes things easier.  Every time we interact with others, we get the opportunity to learn something new, feel a new connection, have an ah-ha moment, re energize or just feel a little less alone in this crazy adventure.

Community is so important regardless of what you may be going through, like that one saying says, “find your tribe & love them hard.”

Kayla

Setting Goals

January is a month of goal setting. While we are familiar with the promises we make ourselves and how often we set those goals aside after a few weeks, it’s always nice to start the month (and new year) off with a few good intentions whether we are successful or not at keeping them (because we are realistic!). 

I didn’t particularly set out with big goals as I approached 2020 because currently my goals are simple tasks like to have a shower, take a moment for yourself, etc. However, I did have some things I wanted to start in January because of Nixon’s age  and the groove I’ve been in as I learn all about motherhood. 

One of my goals was to eat dinner at the table more.  When it was just Mike and I we would sometimes sit at the table, but would get into the habit of eating on the couch, then comes baby and we literally would eat wherever and whenever baby said we could!   Now that we are starting solids, I wanted to get into the routine of eating as a family together. To me, as Nixon gets older and can chat with us, I want the dinner table to be the place we can all come together.  

Another goal, was to get out into the world and meet some other new moms.  This was made easy because my good friend Andrea gave me a gift card for a monthly pass to a place that does Mama & Baby fitness classes. 

This sort of ticked off two boxes that I wasn’t intentionally trying to which was to workout. Honestly, I make the same promises to myself and I either go all in or I create so much stress on myself it doesn’t benefit me.  Obviously I want to fit back into my pre baby clothes and see the numbers on the scale shrink, but overall feeling good regardless of those things is also important to me. One thing I do hope to do is to get back into running, as I loved running at one point in my life. Luckily there is a group in my neighborhood that I plan to join in April.

Obviously, there are thousands of blogs out there sharing similar sentiments, but that’s awesome. Let’s hope we can keep that motivation that January brings and carry it far into 2020.  

Kayla 

Show Up

Yesterday I had my first post pregnancy diabetes appointment with my endo. During pregnancy I was seeing them every 3-4 weeks to follow up on my diabetes since my insulin requirements were constantly changing as my body accommodated carrying a baby! I remember booking my November appointment long ago and thinking that it seemed so far away, but in what feels like a blink of an eye - it came and went.

I knew going into this appointment I was not as prepared as my previous ones. Of course because during pregnancy diabetes was high on my list. I had a huge motivation and the time to put as much effort in as possible. I actually looked forward to getting my blood work done because it gave me feedback and reassurance that I was doing the best I could do.   This time around, I didn’t print my reports ahead of time, nor finger poke nearly enough (only sensor data) to give them any kind of direction or pattern of my blood sugars.  My goal was just to make it to my appointment on time, make sure my blood work was alright and get out of there.   

Turns out taking a baby to an appointment that drags on isn’t fun. I mean, it’s never fun to wait for doctors to come into the small, sterile holding cell (ha!) but adding a baby into the mix who wants no part of being there adds so much more stress.  Needless to say my heart rate was high, I was sweating like I had just finished a marathon and I began to worry as I saw snow swirling around outside. I just wanted to move on. 

However, my thyroid levels came back a bit off which apparently can happen to type 1s after pregnancy.  According to blood work it appeared I had hyperthyroidism - meaning my body is producing too much of the hormone. The good news was that my endo explained it usually cures itself over time.   I wasn’t diagnosed, because she needed more blood work to confirm which meant after waiting, I had to go wait some more to get my blood work done.  

My doctor let me know she would follow up with me after the results came back from the blood work. I was also instructed to keep an eye on my resting heart rate since it was high while I was there.  She gave me a prescription for beta blockers in case it was regularly over 100 while resting.  That frightened me the most because of the history of heart conditions in my family. However, I think I can chalk up the heart rate to stress because since being home my resting heart rate hasn’t gone over 84.  

The appointment overall was fine. My a1c was 6.1 which surprised me. While I didn’t give her much to look at data wise, she gave me some suggestions for preventing morning lows. My next appointment isn’t until August (I’ll be 30 and Nixon will be 1 by that time - oh my!) and in the meantime I will wait to see what my thyroid is up to.  

It was eye opening to realize that health is ever changing and how important it is to show up to appointments even if they’re long, exhausting and sometimes difficult.   While it wasn’t easy trucking around a 3 month old in the snow, through the busy parking garage and all around the hospital - it was important that I showed up. Being a healthy mama is important. 

Kayla 

Nursing & Diabetes

Photo by Erin Girard Photography 

I remember when we were registering for our baby shower, the sales associate asked us, "What's your feeding plan?"  I felt like a complete fish out of water because the only plan I had was to feed my baby the best way that I could whether that was breastfeeding or by bottle.  What she meant, was if I needed to look into bottles, breast pumps, nursing pillows etc.   While I did get all those things, that was really nothing in comparison to really figuring out my feeding plan once baby was here.

When we prepared the nursery, I thought about what my future self would need.  Low supplies - everywhere.  I put low supplies in the nearest drawer to the nursing chair, as I imagined I'd be spending lots of time stuck on that chair without the energy or ability to get downstairs for a juice box. I burned through those low supplies in no time.

Things I didn't think about before hand was the mental and physical exhaustion that breastfeeding takes. Like, I would say it caused the most doubt in myself, literally every day I questioned if I could continue breastfeeding.   Not only did it cause my blood sugars to do whatever they wanted to do, I also physically felt sick each time. (I looked into this and it seems that a small amount of moms experience this sort of nausea in the early weeks of breastfeeding.) To add to my self doubt, baby was not gaining. However, every day I told myself tomorrow is a new day and now we are at 3 months! We are still nursing without the nausea or doubt - yay!

I still seem to be figuring out how nursing and diabetes can co-exist in a way that I am not going into deeper lows or having random highs (probably because nursing makes me SO hungry in the night sometimes!) Taking care of myself both physically and mentally is important and has been a learning curve in this new phase of life.  Diabetes adapts to these life changes, but not always in a helpful way.

Kayla

Priorities

It can be hard to make diabetes a “priority” when you have a family to take care of.  Between caring for Nixon, Cola and the household, even with help from Mike it can be difficult to find the time to manage my diabetes.  Of course this leads to highs I didn’t expect, that have been creeping up for hours, that I never noticed because I didn’t have the second to check.  

The biggest issue is making sure I change my site and fill my pump. While there are warning for low reservoirs, the time between the warning and empty seems to fly by. I then find myself having to fill my pump in the early hours of the night while combating high blood sugars and a very, very tired body and mind. 

Technology makes this 100x easier, because I imagine if I had to pull out a syringe or pen every time I needed insulin, I’d forget.  I also imagine if I had to prick my finger to know my blood sugar that also would take a backseat. So I am thankful for technology that makes it easier to manage diabetes when diabetes becomes a challenge to manage. 

Of course I want great numbers and an awesome a1c. I want to be healthy for my family and for myself, but it’s a balance between sanity and perfection and finding the right space can be challenging.

Kayla