There are days when I get incredibly frustrated that I have diabetes. I will look at my insulin pump and think, "I can't believe this happened to me." While I know wearing an insulin pump is truly not a hassle at all, I mean if my biggest complaint is getting hooked on the occasional door handle, then I think I am O.K. However, somedays I get sad that this is what has been written in my life story.
I think because I am such a busy person I don't take enough time for self reflection or decompression. I am a go-go person. I like to be busy and I like to work on projects and help as many people as possible (that being said, I hardly ever say no to lending a hand, whether that's physically or emotionally). In saying that, I think I lack a full grasp on life events that are life changing, and what they mean. For instance when my uncle passed away I don't feel like I fully processed it, I mean, it's a thought that will always be there, but I don't believe I fully took the time to grieve or cope, instead I tried to be strong for my father & family. What does this have to do with diabetes? Well, when I was diagnosed with diabetes I instantly thought, 'Okay, I need to be strong, I need to be a role model, I need to do something." I never really allowed myself to get pissed off - for lack of a better word. I never processed it - which I think sometimes effects the way I look at my diabetes or my uncle's passing. It hits me hard when I take the time to reflect.
There are times when it 'hits me hard' and I feel as if I have entered a different state of mind. I think about the consequences of diabetes, and when people say things like, "my uncle lost his leg, or I'm slowly losing my sight" it scares me. In this state of mind, I picture it all happening to me. I wonder why I was diagnosed with something that has such an awful track record with those that have it, I think about scary things like, life expectancy, not having a successful pregnancy, going blind, losing limbs, all of those things no one likes to talk about, hear or think about. It all comes at once.
How I pull myself out of that - makes me think that these thoughts are likely normal and not something to be concerned about. Everyone has bad days I assume, diabetes or not. When I find myself alone, thinking about these things I often think about the others living with type 1 diabetes. I remember that while some of these things are true, the consequences of high blood sugars or lows, all type 1's have those things on their minds or at least they're aware of it. We (all type 1's) are on a similar ride together, we may not all make the same pit stops or get off at the same time, but that's life. Together we are on this ride, we have each other to lean on and to keep us going.
I have very close friends with type 1, I have a mini-diabetic best friend, I have amazing support around me physically and online that are type 1 - we are all going through diabetes together and that's what brings me back.