In the diabetes community there is a lot of cheering on, lots of check-ins and advice but there also is a lot of judging that goes on. This isn't really a surprise since everything on the internet is judged but I don't really want to focus on the internet community as much as I want to focus on the real-time community, that being your friends, family, nurses, doctors and other professionals alike.
I have a diabetes appointment coming up. With that comes some strong anxiety, as it's time to renew for a new insulin pump (woohoo!) That being said, I know that this is likely when they take a hard look at your past years of managing diabetes and make some assumptions, notes and decisions. This is the first time I have had to renew my pump, since I have only been pumping for five years - so I really do not know what to expect. I do expect judging.
While I realize likely 90% of the time when people talk about MY diabetes, they aren't trying to harass, judge or shame me, but at the same time why does it always feel that way? I mean, it's hard enough when I woke up this morning with a blood sugar of TWENTY-FOUR and thought to myself
"WHAT DID I DO?"
"SHOULD I EVEN HAVE BREAKFAST?"
"DID I GO TO A BUFFET AT MIDNIGHT WITHOUT MY OWN CONSENT?"
Knowing that that number is going to make an appearance on the printed sheets of my pump upload next week terrifies me. I know I didn't attend a midnight buffet, but I do know that I may have underestimated the carbs in my before-bed snack and I also know I changed a site before bed which is on the top 10 bad things to do when you're on a pump (if there was such a list).
Am I failure at diabetes? Maybe this morning. Those that claim to master diabetes are either hiding some secret solutions or are lying. I vote the latter. Managing diabetes is a lot of work. It's frustrating and it doesn't always make sense. No pizza, no stressor, no menstrual cycle, no workout is created equal and in saying that managing diabetes with all the unequalness of the world isn't a small feat.
That being said, in my dream diabetes world, there wouldn't be anxiety over doctors trips, and there wouldn't be judging. I want to hear more of;
"So you had a bad day, let's try again tomorrow."
"It's not your fault, we will figure it out together."
"Diabetes is whack."